Posts Tagged ‘writing’

For those that don’t know – I have a child that has gone through depression, attempted suicide, told he was Bi-Polar – yadda yadda.  He leads a rough life at times.  But he’s not alone.  There are family members that each have to deal with their portion of his difficulties – mom, brothers, sister… etc.  We all deal with it in ways that are perfect for each of us.

We aren’t alone either, there are many many kids and their families that go through tough spots in life.  The families are sometimes the only ones standing strong for these kids because we know their true beauty and goodness inside.  Others, we find, steer clear because they don’t know how to deal with it.

I am asking that everyone Stumble this post if you do enjoy it – it is the wish of the teen that wrote this that others that may be in the same situation get some reality that they aren’t alone!

The following is a wonderful (tear jerker for me) poem that a teen wrote about his own experience as a brother (a twin brother no less) of a young man that is going through something very close to what my Stephen endures.

The following was given to many just to read, and those that could find themselves in his shoes have been praising the writing.  If you wouldn’t mind getting this out there for this young man (I will not name him unless his mother approves).  He wants others to know they aren’t alone!

It is okay to copy this to give to others, but you cannot copy and use it as your own.  Simply refer back to this post as the originator and that is fine.  Do not publish this unless you receive permission (just email me, I will ask the mother and the boy for you) through this site.

Again, please Stumble this or whatever way you can if you enjoy it.  This deserves to find it’s way to those that will benefit.

You Have To Be His Brother To Understand

What is it like to feel anger, broken-heartedness, and love at the same time?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to watch your brother constantly hurt your mom,
And feel no remorse,
Because he hardly understands what he’s doing at the time?
what is it like to have to sit there, and remain silent,
All while you witness both people suffering?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to see someone close to you,
Having already flown as high as they can get
Or so it seems?
Professionals say he can’t go any further,
But you pray to God he can.
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to witness someone you love,
Hurt to the point of tears because he feels he can’t make it?
What is it like to feel so much pain your body, heart, and mind,
Can hardly take it because you see your own brother’s life in shambles?
What is it like to hear people call your brother stupid?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to be the privileged brother,
Yet you watch his life spiral downward,
All as teachers have given up on him,
Saying he won’t amount to anything in this world,
Because he has trouble reading?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to have many true friends,
But your brother has next to none,
So he feels alone, even though you share yours,
But he knows that, he knows they’re yours,
It kills you because it’s killing him?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to love your brother,
With such a sense of protecting him because of his delicacy,
That your friends call you wrong because, you get angered at the
Slightest thing anyone says about your brother, at the times when
People laugh at him, you want to punch people’s lights out?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to see him depressed as he’s cycling through meds,
And most psychiatrists can’t help him because
they refuse to push aside their pride,
and so you watch him suffer because of their idiotic mistakes,
and it makes you so sad to see this situation unfold before your eyes?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to have the desire to tell him he’ll be o.k.,
He’ll make it no matter what anyone tells him,
He’ll spread his wings and fly much higher than anyone ever anticipated,
He’s always loved and prayed for by many people,
Yet you can’t muster up the courage to tell him because you’re afraid he’ll reject this statement of love?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to feel anger, broken-heartedness, and love at the same time?
You have to be his brother to understand.

First, a huge amount of gratitude to those that have commented, emailed and given their love and support in the times I’ve had in the last week.

I have had Stephen read the comments and he teared up.  He’s 16 but can be touched by kind hearts and beautiful words.  Thank you.

He is starting his own blog, and I’ll link here when he’s got it a bit under control.

Second, if there is anyone else out there that is empathic at all – I ask you this – how heavy are you feeling now?

Those reading may not believe in what I do, and that’s a blessing because varied views are beautiful and learning experiences for us all!

Let me tell you where I’m at right this moment as a 40 year old lady, living in the U.S. on this planet Earth in this Solar System and a part of the Universe:

I’m fighting to keep my world full of light, and love and stillness.

Although I’ve dealt with emotional ups and downs this last week – I can tell you that isn’t all that is creating a difficult situation in my spirit.

In the U.S. we have so many crisis’s right now.  From the election, to the financial “Wholly Heck”, to the day to day issues of homelessness, abuse and suffering.

In the World we have suffering, war, and hate.

On Earth we have a general tone of “oh well, someone will fix it later”.

*We* does not mean each individual by the way, there are many doing what they can in each instance.  But not the whole.

Mahatma Ghandi has a quote I attempt to live my life by every day and I do fall short most days unfortunately:

Be the change you want to see in the world.

That doesn’t mean look to someone to change it.  It does truly mean for you to be the change you wish for.  It starts with each of us.

With that said, there isn’t many American’s right now that aren’t having great angst and fear around this election.  Both the Obama side and the McCain side of voters actually FEAR the other getting into office.  Why?  It’s because of our media and mis-information being thrown at you. These two are men.  Humans like us.  They will each do the best they can to assist this country.  Neither is as bad as each side paints them to be.

I can say I’ve personally seen things that make me question the integrity and sincerity of both sides.  Enough to make me wonder who to “write in” on the ballot.  Then I catch myself.

Folks, either candidate will be perfect.

If that statement jolts you from the inside and you want to SCREAM “it’s not so” – then I urge you to look inside and ask yourself what your true fear is.  Take a deep look at what you fear and work on that.  Yourself.

Whoever gets elected is going to have a tough year ahead of them.  It’s just where we are at right now.

I get that lately – many folks are going to need therapy in heavy doses after this election.

It will all be okay.

It will all just *be* and that is perfect.

Please get yourself to a place of calmness, stillness and light if you are currently in fear, stressed or generally off balance.  At the very least, if you are feeling this way – take a look at it.

It feels to me that the world is going faster and faster and folks are attempting to move away from it, not with it.

It will all be okay… really.  It will be perfect.

Love and Light to everyone that reads this.  You are loved.

Monica

One reason you won’t see alot of *deep* conversations like yesterdays here, is that this blog is my reach to others to give Love and Light.  When things go a bit bumpy, I do write here – but overall, this blog is to send YOU Love and Light.  From my heart to yours.

With everyone’s beautiful comments regarding my son – I’d like to give you “Friday Feel Good Day”.  Just a post with pics that I’ve found from Photobucket online, that I can share with you.

Colors are a sort of therapy for me as well.

I get a bit cheery when I see photos with alot of color and bright contrasts.

So what better way to send us into the weekend – then to have some nice visual fun!

I hope everyone will have a wonderful weekend!

From my house to yours – Happy Friday!

Love and Light,

Monica

We raise our children in the hopes that no pain will befall them.

I personally cringe when one of my children stubs even a small toe.

To see our children in pain feels like an unjust thrust upon us from the Universe.

We know that cry when they are small, it’s not a whine or complaint – it’s the “mommy I need you now” cry.

What about when they are teens?

The teen “cry” is different.

At times it is almost mute, and you have to listen intently to hear their cries.

My son has once again cried out and has now been hospitalized.

Again.

This time last year he attempted suicide bringing the family to a stillness I never want to re-live.

This time, he reached out for assistance before the overdose, cutting and police SWAT team that we lived through last year.

I know in my heart this is simply something my son gets to go through.

As his mother, I can tell you with ever breath I take – I do not like it one bit.

Why couldn’t it be that they could just go through life with love, peace and happiness?

I suppose, that wouldn’t be life here would it?

Teen suicide is ridiculously high.  I even hear some folks joke about it – I’m not sure I get the joke.  Nor do I wish to.

He was diagnosed last year with Bi-Polar with Psychotic Episodes.  His medication has been working up until now – or apparently 3 weeks before now as we are finding out.

As his mom, I would just like to ask the Universe to let him be.

Let him feel calm, still, and happy with himself.

I’ll be on and off for a bit, this blog is – after all – a source of my therapy.  Don’t wig out if I’m still cheery, I just had to get some of it off my heart in this post.  My outlook on all things in life is positive.  Even those things that seem to pull my heart right out of my chest.

He’ll come home happy and healthy as he did last time – I just know it.

Love and Healing Light to all of you ~ Monica

My Son Stephen 2007-09-28

Update on Stephen 2007-10-07

Stephen June 2007

////

My son has requested that I place his writings up on my site for my readers to comment on or at least read.  He’s a heavy writer, and it seems that journaling while he’s hospitalized feels good to him.  Although I haven’t read it yet, I’ll see what I can do to set up a page for him and either type exactly as he has it, or I’ll perhaps place portions of it up.  I’ll post here when I create it.

(photos and graphics other than my son were found from Photobucket – just type “teen”)

I got this idea from “Designing Hilary” as she thanks her commenters by giving a post with their names and their websites.  This assists in some areas of popularity for folks’ blogs.  The other side to this is publicly thanking those that have taken a moment of their time to contribute to your thoughts, ideas, photos… etc.  It’s something I personally am very greatful for.

I’m going to piggy back onto “Designing Hilary“’s wonderful idea and thank all of those that commenting on my *stuff* and making me feel “luved”   Thank you, without commenters or folks reading what I write here – I’d be hearing echoes. 

Comment Love - Thank you Aug 2008 Commenters

Ada – http://scramories.com/blog
Alex – http://alexiswired.com
Angela – http://memoirsofachaoticmommy.blogspot.com
Athena – http://www.hotchildinthesuburbs.blogspot.com
Babette – http://www.onehomediva.com
Beamer – http://bmw101.blogspot.com
BoBo – http://thebobofiles.com
Brenda – http://www.enroute365.com/
CatScratch Diva – http://rantingdiva.wordpress.com
Chelle – http://soodz.com/blog
Christy – http://www.motherhood-unscripted.com/
Dawn – http://dawnandjimmy.us/blog/
Deanna – http://deannascraps.wordpress.com
DianeCA – http://dianecasmetamorphoses.wordpress.com/
Emila – http://emilayusof.com
Fragile Heart – http://www.fragileheart.com/journal
France – http://www.francelovescars.blogspot.com
Gin – http://e-pamilya.blogspot.com
Goofy Girl – http://goofygirl.org
Hillary – http://57designstudio.blogspot.com/
Ivanhoe – http://ivanhoe76.blogspot.com
Jean-Luc Picard – http://jlpicard.blogspot.com
Jim Spence – http://www.wedding-cake-charms.com
Jitendra – http://www.sezwho.com/blog
Julie – http://www.sexymagick.com
Kathie – http://mytake.stayathomemama.info/
KoKo – http://lplpx.com
Kristen – http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com
Kristy – http://www.shinyadornments.com
Lady Rose – http://2witchesblog.wordpress.com
LaLa – http://by-la.com
Loving Annie -  http://www.lovingforyourheart.blogspot.com
Mabelle – http://greatmomentsinlife.blogspot.com
Mariuca – http://mariuca.blogspot.com
Momma Dawg – http://www.mammadawg.com
MommyBrainReports – http://www.mommybrainreports.com
Monique – http://moniquerenae.com/blog
Paige – http://paige.ericksonfamily.com
Pandora – http://pandorascasket.info
PurrPrints – http://purrprints.blogspot.com
Rachel – http://www.asouthernfairytale.blogspot.com
RBV – http://www.roastbeefvag.com/theflapper
RennyBA – http://www.terella.no
Sapphire – http://theweirdnessfactor.blogspot.com
Sami – http://freewomensblogs.com
Sassy Mama Bear – http://cafeendofuniverse.blogspot.com
Sheila – http://designsbysheila.blogspot.com
Stanleyliew – http://stanleyliew.blogspot.com
The Happiness Workshop – http://www.thehappinessworkshop.com.au
ThinkinOfYou – http://writingquietsthevoicesinmyhead.blogspot.com/
Titania – http://titaniastarlight.blogspot.com
Tom Awesome – http://tomawesome.blogspot.com
Unbalanced Libra – http://www.unbalancedlibra.com
Vera – http://verabear.net
Webbiestuffsw – http://www.webbiestuffs.com
WitchyPoo – http://psychicgeek.com

Great idea Hilary!  Hope you don’t mind I’m a copy cat.    You are wonderful!

Thanks again everyone ~ you made me feel so good.

Here he is!  It took me almost 10 mins to just write this… ’cause he’s teeeeeething and chewing on everything.  LOL  Oh lordy… but he’s getting there!  Or not…  I just have to puppy proof my home. Which btw I thought I did… NOPE!

So…. Here’s some pics.  Wish us luck!  I’ll write more but the little guy gets to have his walk…

There are more pics on the Flickr site (link to the left).

Whoot! 

As some may know my father-in-law passed away this past October.  Today is his 70th birthday and I wanted to write a moment on this.

Ofcourse we miss him.  It still hurts. 

But, I sang Happy Birthday to him in my car today and smiled as I just knew he was having "cake" somewhere smiling back at us.

He’s such a beautiful spirit… and we can always wish him Happy Birthday.  I just know he hears us and it makes him smile.

Happy Birthday dear Harold.  Hugs and smooches.  Love your honorary daughter.

"Lost Love is Still Love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor.

But when those senses weaken, another heightens.

Memory.

Memory becomes your partner. You nuture it. You hold it. You dance with it." - Mitch Alborn, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Many of us have lost someone very near and dear to our hearts. I get to write about one of mine today and the closure that happened that left me shaking, out of breath and emotionally drained.

His name was wasn’t Brent but that’s the one I’ll use. He and I had dated for a few years in my high school days. He was a child of a wealthy happy family, he seemed to have everything. Everything means in this case, things. Physical things. None of us knew he was missing something very important.

The day was beautiful but he had the flu and was home feeling ill when I showed up at his door to spend my lunch hour with him. We were in his room watching my soaps. We talked about going out that night and that when I got off of work he’d be ready to go. To be honest, I thought he was too sick to go out and enjoy himself. I left that up to him.

My lunch hour was almost over and I had to leave to get back to my job at a Freightliner dealership as their receptionist and parts cashier. I gave him a kiss and hustled into my 1980 Ford Pinto ready to burn the pavement to get to work in time.

To my surprise there were two boys at his door ready to knock as I was coming out. They didn’t know him, in fact their were friends of my prior boyfriend. I asked them why they were here, they said they needed a ride. None of that made sense to me, I told them Brent was ill and he certainly wasn’t going to take them anywhere. I let them know they could get a ride from me if they hurried. They hopped in my little car and as I drove off, they told me to let them out, not even a block later. None of that made sense either. But I did, and shrugged it off as some drug that may have made them a little loopie. That’s what that group was known for.

I was speeding by this time, and was pulled over by a motorcycle cop who was angrier than heck by the time he caught me. The speeding ticket would later be my greatest asset for the day as it was time stamped and proved my whereabouts.

I got to work, started answering the 14 line telephone and began to feel a sinking feeling in my stomache. Think what you will, but that’s the truth.

I called Brent and talked to him for a bit, then he said he was not feeling good and had to get off the phone and would call me right back. He didn’t. Instead, that sinking feeling continued until I was in a shear panic. I called his family begging them to drop everything and get to the house. I couldn’t explain, I couldn’t make them listen and I began to make preparations to leave.

Finally someone at the house answered. It was his mother. All I remember of that telephone call was her shrieking voice in the way only a mother could sound in the situation she came home to: "You killed him! You killed my baby boy!".

I suppose it was at that moment I lost whatever bit of reality I had gained in my young life. I slipped into some sort of a different state of being. That took years to get out of.

I raced out of my workplace much against my bosses pleading – "You aren’t okay to drive. I’ll drive you. Stay here." I don’t remember what happened until the next step as I pulled up to his parents house. I had ran from my workplace leaving concerned adults in my path.

I was kept for a good hour by the police who I can tell you didn’t believe anything I had to say until the two important parts – I had gotten a speeding ticket 1/2 hour prior to his death. That along with being at work saved me from who knows what.

I found out that Brent hung himself in the garage. In a way that the police stated he couldn’t have done by himself. I’ll never understand or know what they meant by that.

In the days after I don’t remember much of anything except three things:

1. I remember the newspaper article stating he killed himself because his girlfriend broke up with him;
2. I do remember the kids and many others drivng by my house yelling "Murderer";
3. I remember many people coming to my door demanding his class ring because the casket was going to be sealed and the family wanted it back to bury with him. My only answer as a child in the situation I suppose would answer was: "He gave it to me. I don’t have to give it back until we break up."

This morning my husband’s cleaning allowed me to find the amythist class ring I put away so no one, not even I could find. I knew it belonged with his family, not with me. As a child I had held on to it for dear life, as if letting it go would let him go. Now, as an adult who has come to terms with the events in my life I know – I do not need anything physical to remember him, I have my memories.

I didn’t know where the send the ring. I picked up the phone and called the old number. The father answered and all I could say was my name and that I had Brent’s class ring and it deserved to be with the family. He cried a horrible sounding gut wrenching cry and yelled to his wife to get on the phone. She did. Her words: "How dare you call here!". They calmed down enough to give me the address to send it to and I assured them I would do so immediately. They hung up on me without another word, only the screaching that I remember from the mother that many years ago that has haunted my dreams up until recently.

To lose a child. I cannot imagine the horrific pain.

I didn’t want to cause more pain, but for the last 15 years I’ve been ready to send this to the family but could NOT have handled the phone call I did today.

The ring is on it’s way to their loving hands. I sent it today right after I hung up.

It was a final closure I got to have in my life. I don’t know what it is for them, but I know it will be perfect.

I can tell you… I still cannot breathe, I am still shaking… and I am on the verge of tears. But I am healthy, healed and happy. That has been a lifetime coming.

I remember you dear "Brent". May you play with all the other spirits in the place you now call home.

The 2007 Holiday Fantasy Bra is in. 

Yes, I said "bra".  It is because of a piece of under garment that I write this blog post.  (It’s been a slow week)

First of all, if my undies had gemstones on it… I’d wonder what I was thinkin’.  Secondly, over 9,000 gemstones on a piece of undie garment could get um, heavy?  

"Gee Mon, why are you leaning forward like that?"  Wow, that would be a bit much.

Oh say, and how would you wash it?  

I personally love Victoria’s Secret.  There, ya’ll know it.  It’s my personal little um, well… nevermind.

So, today I was perusing the Holiday edition of the VS catalog – they always have THE best things in there!  (oh my talking about undies catalogue now).  Comon’ the PJs are cute!

Then…. after I turned the pages frantically, there she was – Selita Ebanks – modeling the 2007 Fantasy set.  The price?  I always look at that first just to gasp as if I didn’t know already… $4.5M.  Writing that out here:  4,500,000.00USD.  Yup.  You read it correctly.

Here’s the article from October of 2007 USA today article:  Victoria’s Secret has a gem-dandy fantasy. 

So, who’s buyin’?

(::giggles insanely::)

That much money… lets see, I could feed – clothe – house quite a few folks in need.  I’m afraid this year I’m not buyin’ the fantasy undies set.  However, there certainly are those in the 2 for 1 sales range that I can safely maneuver.  I’ll stick to cotton, er… or whatever.

Love and Light,

Monica (so confused and slightly embarassed of her own post)