Posts Tagged ‘stephen’

For those that don’t know – I have a child that has gone through depression, attempted suicide, told he was Bi-Polar – yadda yadda.  He leads a rough life at times.  But he’s not alone.  There are family members that each have to deal with their portion of his difficulties – mom, brothers, sister… etc.  We all deal with it in ways that are perfect for each of us.

We aren’t alone either, there are many many kids and their families that go through tough spots in life.  The families are sometimes the only ones standing strong for these kids because we know their true beauty and goodness inside.  Others, we find, steer clear because they don’t know how to deal with it.

I am asking that everyone Stumble this post if you do enjoy it – it is the wish of the teen that wrote this that others that may be in the same situation get some reality that they aren’t alone!

The following is a wonderful (tear jerker for me) poem that a teen wrote about his own experience as a brother (a twin brother no less) of a young man that is going through something very close to what my Stephen endures.

The following was given to many just to read, and those that could find themselves in his shoes have been praising the writing.  If you wouldn’t mind getting this out there for this young man (I will not name him unless his mother approves).  He wants others to know they aren’t alone!

It is okay to copy this to give to others, but you cannot copy and use it as your own.  Simply refer back to this post as the originator and that is fine.  Do not publish this unless you receive permission (just email me, I will ask the mother and the boy for you) through this site.

Again, please Stumble this or whatever way you can if you enjoy it.  This deserves to find it’s way to those that will benefit.

You Have To Be His Brother To Understand

What is it like to feel anger, broken-heartedness, and love at the same time?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to watch your brother constantly hurt your mom,
And feel no remorse,
Because he hardly understands what he’s doing at the time?
what is it like to have to sit there, and remain silent,
All while you witness both people suffering?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to see someone close to you,
Having already flown as high as they can get
Or so it seems?
Professionals say he can’t go any further,
But you pray to God he can.
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to witness someone you love,
Hurt to the point of tears because he feels he can’t make it?
What is it like to feel so much pain your body, heart, and mind,
Can hardly take it because you see your own brother’s life in shambles?
What is it like to hear people call your brother stupid?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to be the privileged brother,
Yet you watch his life spiral downward,
All as teachers have given up on him,
Saying he won’t amount to anything in this world,
Because he has trouble reading?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to have many true friends,
But your brother has next to none,
So he feels alone, even though you share yours,
But he knows that, he knows they’re yours,
It kills you because it’s killing him?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to love your brother,
With such a sense of protecting him because of his delicacy,
That your friends call you wrong because, you get angered at the
Slightest thing anyone says about your brother, at the times when
People laugh at him, you want to punch people’s lights out?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to see him depressed as he’s cycling through meds,
And most psychiatrists can’t help him because
they refuse to push aside their pride,
and so you watch him suffer because of their idiotic mistakes,
and it makes you so sad to see this situation unfold before your eyes?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to have the desire to tell him he’ll be o.k.,
He’ll make it no matter what anyone tells him,
He’ll spread his wings and fly much higher than anyone ever anticipated,
He’s always loved and prayed for by many people,
Yet you can’t muster up the courage to tell him because you’re afraid he’ll reject this statement of love?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to feel anger, broken-heartedness, and love at the same time?
You have to be his brother to understand.

A long time ago, 2005 actually, I had a thought – *I hate my PC!*.  Yes, it was a very strong thought – and one that had to be acted upon.  So I did!  I let the kids use the PC and I purchased an iMac G5.  This little honey has been sitting in my son’s room, as he’s the writer and I thought the iMac would be fun for him.  He has since gotten into Photoshop and blogging – and the Photoshop I have is for the PC.  Therefore, the boy has been hoggin’ my PC!  Which, gave me a bit of time to think about how much I missed my Mac.

As Stephen was blogging and playing one day I asked him to go grab it and we put it in the Kitchen.  For those of you that don’t know iMacs are the size of a monitor really.  No heafty box, just a monitor (which has the CPU, hard drive, etc. – but the size of a monitor – almost).  So downstairs my cute little iMac went and low and behold – I’m actually using it!

Oh the crisp display.  Oh the null issues of viruses.  heh heh

Goodness knows I love this little baby!

Oh yes…. I’m in love with my iMac from 2005!  

~Monica~

I told you all I’d update you when Stephen started blogging! He’s got a little blog started, and I thought I’d ask if you all could maybe just take a look?

He’s been HEAVY into learning PhotoShop lately – and has been writing again.

So here’s his Blog: Xairai’s Shadow

Let him know what you think! He’s hoping folks will come through and maybe read a bit. It’s new, so he’ll be adding as he goes.

Thanks all!

My hubby turned 41 just 8 days after me! It’s tough being an older woman. LOL Even if by 8 days! He doesn’t let me live it down!

My son, Stephen, is out of the hospital and home – he’s on Lithium and I’m not at ALL happy about it. To be quite honest I would like to take him off of it all! He’s got tremors so badly and now headaches. I’m calling the doc tomorrow. This is not acceptable! His mood is good… he’s happy to be home!

My son, James, is driving! He got his license and the insurance wasn’t all that bad! So…. I don’t see him much! hee hee – oh to be young again!

My daughter, Jessica, came over this weekend… ahhhhh… I love having my baby girl around – although she’ll be 20 on March 21st! ARGH! She’s getting older… not me!

My son, Daniel J, is going through some struggles right now. He’ll be okay… in time. Seems some restrictions at home are getting to him… you know, regular teen stuff! Rules at one house, rules at another.

I am doing wonderfully actually.  Just juggling all of the life that comes at me.  Work is wonderful – the folks I work with are absolutely awesome.  Seriously I couldn’t have asked for a better team to work with.  Kudos to my wonderful employer!

I’m so tired though… so so tired. Time for a weekend out! Somewhere!

Bless you all – Love and Light My Beautiful Friends

Stephen made this for me. I think it fits quite well actually.

My handsome boy is home.  This momma is happy.  Albiet a bit nervous, but hey – who wouldn’t be?  He’s doing very well and very happy to come home.

I had a surprise party on my Birthday.  I will tell you all about it when I get the photos.  It’s amazing what my hubby can do getting it all together and I had no idea!

I’m finding myself really enjoying going to work.  I enjoy those I work with and the work I do.  Very nice.

I just saw the movie “Eagle Eye”. Has anyone seen that? Oh my goodness! Fun! So I thought I’d give a few vids of things I enjoy!

By the way – this is a movie I’m DYING for! hee hee

Two very special people gave me really neat birthday presents on Friday and yesterday.  My birthday isn’t until the 17th, Tuesday – but my best friend and my hubby decided not to wait.

My best friend got me something I’ve never seen before, but I’m so excited about it.  Please let me know if you’ve ever seen this!

It’s called a “Smartbox” and looks like it’s in many countries – but I’ve only just now seen it thanks to my best friend, Dawn.

What is it?

She purchased for me a “Smartbox Charming Getaways – Northeast and California”.  I get to go through the book and choose where I want to go.  It’s a one night stay for two at any of the locations in the book that comes in the cute little box.  Oh my goodness!  What fun!  You choose from over 50 locations!

Most are Bed and Breakfasts, and I’m completely excited!  Not sure whether to take her or my hubby.  Hmmmm.  Hubby and I deserve more time together, but so does she and I.  We’ll see what I pick!

From the hubby I got a Wacom Intuos3 6×11 tablet.  I’ve been playing around with it, but not too sure how to do certain things.  It’s so much fun!  I think Tess has one – so maybe she can tell me what her favorite thing to do on it is!  I’m working on that theme I wanted to do with mostly my own drawings for illustration, so I’ll just keep playing until I get something I like!  Oh so much FUN!

On to my son, and an update on him.  He’s been released from the psychiatric hospital to a crisis group home.  He’s been at that particular group home before, so he’s comfy going there.  I took him from the hospital to the home, and his whole demeanor is wonderful.  Very uplifted and happy.  Albeit not too happy about the partial hospitalization that comes after the group home.

I’ll be taking Stephen to a facility every day I work so that he’s not home alone.  I’ve insisted on this as I don’t believe he’s safe at home yet until he gets more assistance.

Interesting note – they did a rule out on Bi-Polar.  Which is what they’ve been saying he has.  They did a pretty in depth review on him and have given him a diagnosis of schizophrenia with psychotic disorder.  Well, interesting.  They have him on Lithium.  Ouch.

We’ll see, I’m just following along with my strong suggestions – and they are listening quite well so far.  We’ll see how this goes.

But to see my son smiling and telling me he misses me – well, warms my heart and drys my tears.  He’ll be okay.  I know it.

Work – AWESOME!  I enjoy doing what I do, and I even got my first paycheck!  Yeah!

There you have it – Update from Monica!

Now I get to go play with my tablet!!  Draw Draw Draw

Kenny and Jimmy December 1990

The Dad.

My ex-husband.

They call him the “Biological Dad”.  To my kids, “Dad” is Daniel.  BUT – for my other son, James – he’s accepting his Dad more and more.  Which is good.  Good for my son.  He still looks to Daniel as the Dad though.  He looks up to him quite a bit.  He’s letting go of hard feelings for his father though, and genuinely seems to be forgiving him now.

We’ve been through alot, to say the least.  He left us when the kids were so little.  He went through a rough time, and we didn’t see him for years.  Now, however – he’s doing good, working and paying child support and calling the boys to see how they are.  There are a few hard feelings from the kids, but they’ll deal with that as they grow older.  Me?  Well, I forgave him along time ago and just realized he is who he is.  No reason to hold a grudge.

I did take care of the kids for 10 years all by myself.  Not really any child support, or emotional support from the dad at all.  But, hey – I did it and I’m proud.

So Stephen is in the hospital and I thought I’d call him and let him know.

He’s got alot of guilt surrounding the kids, and leaving etc.  So when he heard his son is in trouble again he got very emotional.  I’m assuming he blames everything on himself.  Maybe someday he’ll let that go someday or just face what has happened and get over it.

Trouble is, he wants to visit Stephen – and I don’t know Stephen is going to want to see him.  Breaks my heart actually.  For both of them.

We’ll see what happens.  I’m not sure it’s good for him right now to see his dad.  But, we’ll see…

So, the call went well.  I’m just not so sure about the future of it.

Okay – NEXT ISSUE!

… I’m getting so tired …

Face to the Sun By Hikari Nell

As some of you know my son has been hospitalized off and on since September 2007.  He made another attempt on his life this past Tuesday, greatfully unsuccessfully.  Scary enough.

Stephen is in the hospital again and will be there for a bit.

I suppose I’ve come to realize that this is simply what our family gets to go through for whatever reason in the Universe.  As with parents with children with special needs, or perhaps a horrible medical issue – we simply continue on.  We love him, we support him and we are here to pick up the pieces no matter how difficult they are to find.

I am new in my job, so I certainly cannot miss any time.  To be quite honest, I am thankful for my job and the time it gives me to focus on something else.  I am still very excited about my job – and enjoy it daily.  I don’t stop to think about much during the day but my work.

The weekend is here though, and I get to relax and to reflect.

I’m not falling apart.  I’m only extremely greatful that I have this beautiful child and he’s still with us.  The Universe must have thought I was strong enough to assist him through what he is going through – that’s why he’s my son.

I’m only thoughtful right now.  Not down.  That’s different than the 4 other times.  I suppose I just get to be a momma and fight to keep my child safe.  Safe from himself and from the doctors that are merely guessing at what they can do to assist.

We do need to locate a person to be here with him during the day while I work – he cannot be left alone.

So – when we have things happen to us, I believe that being greatful and looking at the positveness of life brings us through even the darkest of times.

I can tell you my list of greatfullnesses (my special word for the day) is extremely long and beautiful.

To each of you that may be going through your own bought of rough spots – I hold your hand and walk through it with you.

Life is beautiful.

Love and Light,

~Monica~

I came into start working on Tuesday and when I turned on my monitor I was presented with this:

My son, Stephen, has been learning Photoshop and left me a bit of love on my computer.

Oh to be a parent…. sometimes you just gotta smile and feel like the luckiest person in the world.