Posts Tagged ‘school’

Well let us see how last night went shall we?

I was trying to get this blog in some kinda order after changing hosts. I have a temporary Wordpress Theme up, but I like how it’s situated. Just not the colors or lack thereof. But, when I went to have fun and change stuff around the most HUGEST (is that a word?) headache hit like a ton of bricks. Oh my goodness. Then, it was so bad I felt sick. So, off the computer I went and straight to bed.

Then, the hubby comes home – bless his heart. Dotting all over me and taking care of me like the wonderful hubby he is. We watched Ghost Whisperer Season Two Disc Two – one or two episodes and I was done. I had a pounding headache and felt like crud.

Then, we got into an argument. A new one? No… more of the same thing. It didn’t end well so this morning I got on the phone and told him I was sorry. Lordy. Lordy. Being married means so many things, but one thing it means is ya can’t get away from them. LOL So you better make up.

Making up is fun actually. He’s been so wonderful lately, I guess feeling sick mixed with other stuff just set me off. No bigge – we *kissed* and made up so to speak.

It’s been rough here. He’s working so hard and my client base has dwindled due to so many things. So I’m barely making it financially. Which means, he’s doing all the work. I’m at home taking care of the house, making sure my kids get all their school stuff done, and working on the clients I have left – ’cause I love them and am very grateful to have them.

My kids are both in Independent Study now. It’s like homeschooling really. I have their schedule every day of what they need to do, I meet with their teacher once a week to get more work for them and turn in their assignments (rather, they do that – I take notes). BUT their report cards came in! WOW! It’s the biggest improvement I’ve ever seen from them. They are so proud! So is this momma.

So my husband is working away while I’m doing all of these things that are important – but, what happened to me holding my own financially? I was the sole supporter for over 10 years now I’m home? It’s a huge adjustment.

I’m starting school on the 20th of this month. I’m almost embarassed to say what for ’cause I’ve been laughed at a few times. But I’ll say it here – and let me be very clear this is what I had wanted since I was young, but babies etc. well… you know what happens to plans when you have the little ones. Okay, my major is Physics. Yes, laugh all ya want. Who knows I could change my mind. I’m already an Accountant, this would be a complete career change that will take YEARS to get to. But there are some really neat opportunities just in the first year of being an undergraduate! No laughing… okay, you can laugh. We’ll see how far this goes, but at least I can go for it!

In February I’ll be 41 years old/young. I’m so extremely excited about my 40s! It’s me time after my Stephen is graduated in June of 2010. That’s not that far away. Jimmy goes into the USMC on June 14th, and my daughter is already out and on her own. I do have my Step Son Daniel that will be 14 (OMG!) on the 11th of this month, but his momma does all the hard work with him. I just get to love him to death when we get him. So I’m almost done… wow.

Many things are going on now in my life – I just want to be sure I enjoy ever moment of it you know?

Wow, life is Grand!

About two years ago I was told by a “doc” that after the test I took, I obviously have ADD. I don’t believe in “classifications” from our doctors. Not for mental, or neurological issues. So I’ll just say, I get really going on something, then drop it like it’s hot. Hey, that’s a song!

I’ve never fully dropped this blog. I’ve written since 2005, but have moved my blog from platform to platform settling on WP for awhile now. Still, it’s been three years and I haven’t dropped it.

I purchased a German Shepard puppy – Indy – ’cause I was really excited to do canine search and rescue. Well, the little guy has “pano” and working him with limping this bad isn’t such a bright idea. So that’s on hold.

I’ve been an accountant in one form or another from clerk to CFO to now consultant, my own company. I’ve done the same thing since I was 17. So that’s 23 years. So that’s steady.

Somehow I got into database maintenance for a company, and have done that for 2 years now. Web maintenance for about two years as well.

What did I WANT to be when I grew up? Well, besides U.S. Air Force career that went down the tubes before actually leaving for boot camp – Engineering/Mathematics/Physics was where I wanted to be. Why? The hecks if I know! But, one of those was something I would have LOVED to get into.

Alas – single mom for 10 years, you don’t just change careers. Now I’m married… but…

I’m really at a point where I’m bored. I’ve lost my largest client – rather, they WAY cut hours so I’m not doing well financially. Hey, that’s the sound from alot of folks now adays. Daniel’s business is always fine.

What should I do? I’m 40 is that too late to abruptly change career paths? I mean abruptly. Go to school, get another degree… that kinda thing.

I’m bored and not making $$$.

Maybe a teacher? I don’t know…. scientist? Can you really start stuff like that at 40? I love math… history… I just signed up for my first class at college in a few years it seems. Some funky pre-requisite class but I noticed my major was Physics… from 1994! I hadn’t been there in awhile. LOL Why did I quit that? OH yeah… divorce…

ARGH!

Oh yeah, the reference to ADD is ’cause hobby wise I pick something up, get excited and drop drop drop.  argh

This is a bit of a rant, a bit of praise and a bit of frustration.  You see I have four children.  One, is living with his mother, he’s my step-child and I do only what a step-mother does – I love him and offer assistance when requested.  The other three are my responsibility.  One of which is 19 and in college and working.  Her father is taking care of that end – paying for college.  She doesn’t live with me.  So that narrows it to 2 I’m directly responsible for education wise.

My children – up until this year – have been enrolled in the normal public school system.  James is a senior (leaving to serve our great country as a Marine in June 2009), and the other is Stephen a junior in high school.  That’s 11th and 12th grade students in a public NORMAL California high school.  That is the number one issue – public school.

Now I hear many say the school systems are great.  Normally those are the parents of kids that are in elementary school.  By the time they hit junior high, I don’t seem to hear that much more.  Because, they (our California public schools) are not great.  Not in my opinion – and not the schools I’ve personally had any connection to.  They are overcrowded, understaffed, under budgeted… just plain under everything.

Let me make one thing clear – teachers as a whole are NOT in my category of issues.  These folks work for our children with what seems like all odds against them.  I would not begin to put them down.

James, my 12th grader – has exited out of normal high school this year and is in what is called an “Independent High School” program.  This means he meets with a teacher once a week and gets work handed to him and he has one week to complete it.  Or not.  This is an independent program.  If you don’t do the work, you are out.  Period.  So James, who didn’t do a BIT of work in the past two years, now is fully in charge of himself to learn what is needed and turn in his work.  Here starts one issue.  If he didn’t do the work before, how would he now?

I didn’t get involved in the kids schooling much.  I know, say what you must – but I didn’t.  Single mom, three kids – I was lucky to be home on time to pick them up from daycare let alone oversee hours of homework.  I would pick them up, get home and continue to work from home.  So not much guidance if any from me.

Now, James has to makeup a years worth of work – plus his senior work.  Again, this is a child that didn’t do anything in school to begin with!  Now, he’s having to double his work.  Hmmmm.

As of two weeks ago I was starting to get calls from his teacher – “James is doing poorly, he’s behind… etc. etc. etc.”.  Funny, his report card just came in with a B+ average.  So what happened?  He went back to how he normally does stuff.  He just doesn’t do it.

Well, I finally took charge.  Why now you ask?  After years of not doing a thing?  Because it’s all he’s got.  If he doesn’t graduate his military entry will be postponed.  Then, as usual – he’d fall down on himself and feel poorly and get himself even further behind.  I know my son.

Today, he met with his teacher for the normal one hour and turned in his work.  He’s got a TON left to do before next Friday’s meeting as I’m getting him caught back up and back on track.

Basically, he’s home schooled.  Not entirely, but that’s what it boils down to.  The plus side is… he’s home schooled.  No more gangs, no more girls, no more teachers screaming (yes, it’s happened).  But he’s got a long way to go this week to get back on track.

Now, enter my other child – Stephen.  He is bi-polar, rages at times, and is generally a to-himself kinda kid.  According to his doctors the last two hospitalizations were due to stress at school (bullies, deadlines etc.) and they have recommended he get out of the normal public schools as there is really no adults there to manage bullies – which is his biggest issue.  Great.  So Stephen is going to the same Independent program now as Jim.

That’s two at home doing schooling.

I work.

We can do this.

Who do I blame?  No one.  To have the kids out of the public regular high school is a huge plus to me.  The amount of drama, fights and lack of guidance only lays way to issues.  Many issues as our family has had to go through since junior high school.

The issue I see with my younger one is – if it was up to him, he’d stay away from any social type situations forever.  He’s not a people person.  Well, he’s not a mean people person and at their ages there are a lot of those.

I don’t know folks… James will be okay now that I have a handle on things, but Stephen?  How do I assist a depressed bi-polar child by keeping him at home?  I think I’m going to go onto the home schooling sites and see what kind of things we can do to get him out of the house.  I can’t believe his doctors think this will be beneficial to him in the long run.  Honestly.

High school is different now.  Much different.

I praise anyone who home schools – at least I know and understand why they don’t want them in the public school system.  It’s a genuine failure in so many ways.  I feel like somewhere with all of the “universal healthcare” and “my company is flopping bail us out” crud – we seem to have completely forgotten the children.  Our future is the kids and they are going to colleges in spite of what they’ve learned in high school – not because of it in many cases.

If you know of any good sites for home schooling, please leave them in the comments.  Stephen could certainly use it!

Thanks for listening/reading to my vent.

Love and Light,

A Momma

Powered by ScribeFire.

I’m 40, and I don’t feel old.  Old would be 90 perhaps.  Not 40.

I smoke, have for a long time.  Disgusting, I know.  But I smoke.

On Friday, a first happened for me.  I was called “The Mean Ugly Old White Lady” by 3 children and their father.

Here’s how that went.

I was standing in a handicap parking lot space outside of the hotel (the Friday night fun night!) instructing my hubby on where the night of mystery was gonna be and what to do when he got there.  (It was a blow your socks off night!  Well planned out, I might add).

I was standing in the parking space because I was outside of the hotel having a cigarrette chatting on the phone.  If I smoke, I do it more than 20 feet from the door, in California there are laws on where to smoke.  I understand and abide by them happily.

After my phone call I looked up and noticed a Mercedes Benz with it’s blinkers on clearly waiting for me to move out of the space their were trying to pull into!

Ooops!

I hurry out of the way and made sure I was quite a bit away from the car.

Out popped three little kids with their hands over their faces.  I didn’t notice as I was yelling at the dad “Goodness, I’m sorry.  I completely zoned!”.  Smiling my usual smile and waving at him in apology.

Things happened a bit quick from there.

He said:  Yeah, well we are more concerned about your smoking.

Me: My what? (not sure if I heard him right, I’m quite a bit aways from them)

He said:  Hurry kids, get away from her and run to the door!  (not kidding here, he sounded like I had a gun)

Me:  Um…. (remember, I’m pretty far from them and they are entering a hotel with smoking rooms ~ so they aren’t getting to safety runnin’ inside of there!)

He said:  Cover your face kids!

Me:  Okaaaaay (I backed up even further, although the smoke was going the opposite direction of them – all I could do is watch while the kids covered their faces, but stuck their tongues out at me yelling “gross” “she’s gross” “daddy hurry up!”)

He said:  Yeah well (turning to me) they teach them this in school (almost, although not quite, apologetically)

He brought the kids inside after they gave me dirty looks and he just laughed and encouraged them to look at the gross smoking lady.

I was dumbfounded.

Not at the fear of smoke, although – that’s a bit over the top.  But I get that, if they don’t like it now maybe they won’t pick up the filthy habit.

But at the fact a parent did not reprimand their child for treating a human, a perfect stranger, like dirt.  I’ve seen it happen around me and it disgusts me.  But to really pay attention to the little ones that night, it hurt my heart that beautiful souls are being taught at such a young age that being mean to someone is okay and simply part of your day.  That left me in disbelief at the door. It’s only the beginning for these little ones I’m afraid.

As I walked upstairs thanking myself for raising children that don’t see race, physical limitations, or anything out of their norm as something they use against people – I heard the family through the door and stopped for a moment just outside.

The kids were telling their mum I suppose of the event.  But what I heard was this:

The dad was agreeing “yup!” after everything each of the kids were saying.  The mum was saying “I should go down there and kick her butt (different word used).”

The children were telling a tale of a “Mean.  Ugly Old White Lady downstairs smoking at the door and not letting them in.  She was blowing smoke at these poor little kids.  This Mean Ugly Old White Lady was giving them dirty looks and threatening them.”

Oh.  My.  Gosh.

She promptly said she was calling the manager and complaining about the Mean Ugly Old White Lady and the kids were happy and yelling “yeah!”.

The father never corrected their story.  He laughed and described how ugly I was.  I’m not joking.

I’m left with being the Mean Ugly Old White Lady at the Holiday Inn Express.

I’ve had many “dreams” or “pulls” in my life ~ always towards a life purpose. I have children, one purpose in my life was obviously to be a momma to 3 and a step mom to one. Another purpose was to take Daniel as my husband, there was plenty of Universal Guidance at play with that one (believe me!).

So why have I felt like I haven’t done what I’m supposed to be doing in another aspect of my life?

I’m an accountant and small business adviser. I’m even a database gal too! I own my own business. But does being in that career give me a purpose? No. Sadly, no.

No one is going to be all the better in their “life” if I do their books, banking, or database. They may be able to go home at night without worrying about tasks, but does it contribute to their welfare? Nope. Again, sadly, no.

So what’s missing? I have a huge VOID in my life. I’ll explain a bit of Monica 101 to you.

1) Graduating from High School I was signed up for a 7 year agreement with the Air Force. My scores were high, and I could choose certain career paths. I chose a Security K9 Specialist. That would have meant, (as long as it held), I would get a dog and train for anything… bombs, narcotics, firearms… etc. I was SO completely excited as my date to leave approached. Sadly, again… something happened to get me OUT of the military. I won’t go too much into it, but suffice it to say when I could actually enter – I was 7 weeks pregnant. Doh!

2) After having babies and such I began a massive amount of applications, ride-alongs, testing for Police departments. By that time my brother was an officer, and the two of us would have just been in the same career. Hey, that was right down the same alley and perhaps I could go into investigations for a city or K9 unit! Obviously, that wasn’t the way the Universe decided I should go so a certain issue came up and OUT of that I was.

3) … the here and now – investigating into SAR K9. This is search and rescue K9 team. Completely volunteer!

I’m at #3 now. I’ve contacted the local CARDA chapter and one of the trainers contacted me back and took time with me explaining the different disciplines. The work of being a volunteer Search and Rescue team is quite tough, and the trainings are 2x a week with you and your dog. Not to mention the certifications that are required of course. Red Cross certs, First Responder 80 hour training + ALOT MORE! It takes about 2 years for you and your dog to be “Mission Ready”. It’s a serious commitment to be sure and one I don’t take lightly.

I cannot tell you how completely excited I am about reaching towards this venture and perhaps life long endeavor. I’m going on Sunday with them to a training in the hills and brush nearby. I’ll be bringing my hiking boots, backpack and ever curious mind. I am so completely EXCITED!

I had contacted this group about 7 years or so ago and realized at that time that being a single momma and getting called out for a search in the middle of the night (you KNOW that’s when they happen. ) I’d have an issue with the kids. So I decided with the guidance from the team member that waiting until they were older would be a much better position to be in.

So here I am. Researching everything I possibly can regarding what type of searches I need to be trained for. Happy that my car can get me to Longitude and Latitude coordinates, ’cause that’s how they give out locations for trainings… LOL Phew.

Excitement aside ~ I have been asked for years why this is something I’ve wanted to do. I mean being in the Wilderness perhaps, or at a recent disaster, searching for folks in need – yes Dead or alive by the way. Many friends and family have always asked “why would you do that?”. I have searched for the words to explain and I guess it boils down to ~

For me it would be a privilege to serve others in this way.

As for the dog, they know of breeders for GSDs (German Shepards) which is the breed I’m most interested for this. Although, I keep looking at Sammy and his nose of doom (seriously you cannot hide from this dog!) wondering if it wouldn’t be an idea to see what he’s capable of. Who knows, I’m not at that point yet.

I’ll blog on how it went and if I could keep up!

Love and Light to you and yours,

Monica

"Lost Love is Still Love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor.

But when those senses weaken, another heightens.

Memory.

Memory becomes your partner. You nuture it. You hold it. You dance with it." - Mitch Alborn, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Many of us have lost someone very near and dear to our hearts. I get to write about one of mine today and the closure that happened that left me shaking, out of breath and emotionally drained.

His name was wasn’t Brent but that’s the one I’ll use. He and I had dated for a few years in my high school days. He was a child of a wealthy happy family, he seemed to have everything. Everything means in this case, things. Physical things. None of us knew he was missing something very important.

The day was beautiful but he had the flu and was home feeling ill when I showed up at his door to spend my lunch hour with him. We were in his room watching my soaps. We talked about going out that night and that when I got off of work he’d be ready to go. To be honest, I thought he was too sick to go out and enjoy himself. I left that up to him.

My lunch hour was almost over and I had to leave to get back to my job at a Freightliner dealership as their receptionist and parts cashier. I gave him a kiss and hustled into my 1980 Ford Pinto ready to burn the pavement to get to work in time.

To my surprise there were two boys at his door ready to knock as I was coming out. They didn’t know him, in fact their were friends of my prior boyfriend. I asked them why they were here, they said they needed a ride. None of that made sense to me, I told them Brent was ill and he certainly wasn’t going to take them anywhere. I let them know they could get a ride from me if they hurried. They hopped in my little car and as I drove off, they told me to let them out, not even a block later. None of that made sense either. But I did, and shrugged it off as some drug that may have made them a little loopie. That’s what that group was known for.

I was speeding by this time, and was pulled over by a motorcycle cop who was angrier than heck by the time he caught me. The speeding ticket would later be my greatest asset for the day as it was time stamped and proved my whereabouts.

I got to work, started answering the 14 line telephone and began to feel a sinking feeling in my stomache. Think what you will, but that’s the truth.

I called Brent and talked to him for a bit, then he said he was not feeling good and had to get off the phone and would call me right back. He didn’t. Instead, that sinking feeling continued until I was in a shear panic. I called his family begging them to drop everything and get to the house. I couldn’t explain, I couldn’t make them listen and I began to make preparations to leave.

Finally someone at the house answered. It was his mother. All I remember of that telephone call was her shrieking voice in the way only a mother could sound in the situation she came home to: "You killed him! You killed my baby boy!".

I suppose it was at that moment I lost whatever bit of reality I had gained in my young life. I slipped into some sort of a different state of being. That took years to get out of.

I raced out of my workplace much against my bosses pleading – "You aren’t okay to drive. I’ll drive you. Stay here." I don’t remember what happened until the next step as I pulled up to his parents house. I had ran from my workplace leaving concerned adults in my path.

I was kept for a good hour by the police who I can tell you didn’t believe anything I had to say until the two important parts – I had gotten a speeding ticket 1/2 hour prior to his death. That along with being at work saved me from who knows what.

I found out that Brent hung himself in the garage. In a way that the police stated he couldn’t have done by himself. I’ll never understand or know what they meant by that.

In the days after I don’t remember much of anything except three things:

1. I remember the newspaper article stating he killed himself because his girlfriend broke up with him;
2. I do remember the kids and many others drivng by my house yelling "Murderer";
3. I remember many people coming to my door demanding his class ring because the casket was going to be sealed and the family wanted it back to bury with him. My only answer as a child in the situation I suppose would answer was: "He gave it to me. I don’t have to give it back until we break up."

This morning my husband’s cleaning allowed me to find the amythist class ring I put away so no one, not even I could find. I knew it belonged with his family, not with me. As a child I had held on to it for dear life, as if letting it go would let him go. Now, as an adult who has come to terms with the events in my life I know – I do not need anything physical to remember him, I have my memories.

I didn’t know where the send the ring. I picked up the phone and called the old number. The father answered and all I could say was my name and that I had Brent’s class ring and it deserved to be with the family. He cried a horrible sounding gut wrenching cry and yelled to his wife to get on the phone. She did. Her words: "How dare you call here!". They calmed down enough to give me the address to send it to and I assured them I would do so immediately. They hung up on me without another word, only the screaching that I remember from the mother that many years ago that has haunted my dreams up until recently.

To lose a child. I cannot imagine the horrific pain.

I didn’t want to cause more pain, but for the last 15 years I’ve been ready to send this to the family but could NOT have handled the phone call I did today.

The ring is on it’s way to their loving hands. I sent it today right after I hung up.

It was a final closure I got to have in my life. I don’t know what it is for them, but I know it will be perfect.

I can tell you… I still cannot breathe, I am still shaking… and I am on the verge of tears. But I am healthy, healed and happy. That has been a lifetime coming.

I remember you dear "Brent". May you play with all the other spirits in the place you now call home.

I’ll just relax a momento and post for you my daughter Jessica’s response for the Meme I did!  Heeeerees Jeeeeesssssssiiiiiiicccca:

Time for QUESTIONSS>….

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
uhmmmm…Fluffy Duffy (our time-share kitty) is missing a fang.

2. What were you doing at 0800?
I was at bakers square eating the french apple pie…mmm pie

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
sitting on the couch with joseph on the laptops like nerd buckets..

4. What happened to you in 2006?
I moved out of my mommy’s house =(

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
"Yeah" joseph asked if i wanted to watch a movie..

6. How many beverages did you have today?
wow..uhm..Joseph woke me up with STaRBUCKS!! (never happens) probably like 4 bottles of water… a pumpkin spice latte from bakers circle..i mean square

7. What colour is your hairbrush?
Pooooooiiiple…(purlple)

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
My brother’s christmas presnet..tee hee

9. Where were you last night?
sleeping duh…School night!

geeez dont you remember when you had to tell me that! lol

10. What colour is your front door?
I dunno..its not mine…i think its white..i think

11. Where do you keep your change?
in a bacardi bottle…YOU KNEW THAT! it was the only bottle big enough!

12. What’s the weather like today?
ehhh it was nice

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavour?
(lol at moms answer)
uhhhmmmm chocolate fudge with gummie bears..

14. What excites you?
BUBBA! i miss her when im not with her =(

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
haha told you mom!

no way jose…thats why i gots extensions

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Noooo

17. Do you talk a lot?
Yes i get it from my mother

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
Never watched it..dont want to. I heard you get hooked

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Lol is that a trick question?

Ehhhh some brother of mine i think… =)

20. Do you make up your own words?
alll the time..once again…my mother

21. Are you a jealous person?
sometimes…i try and work on it

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’
Audi..my new best friend !

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’
Kookie?

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
Ughh i dont know I cant find my phone..i think its in the car =(

25. What does the last text message you received say?
Me jessica p my two sis my friend gina and kim from school and justin. I talked to him and were good.

It was Megan…I asked her who was going to the concert she invited me too

26. Do you chew on your straw?
ehhhh..I used to

27. Do you have curly hair?
wavy yes…curly noo

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Im going to gamble at jackson this weekend…last minute planning..aaawww yeeeaahh boiii

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
uhhmm…
Probably you know who..

I dont think he knows it

30. What was the last thing you ate?
French apple PIE

31. Will you get married in the future?
When i find the right person…a long time from now

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
TRANSFORMERS! MOM I FINALLY SAW IT AND IT WAS <b>AMAZING!</b>

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
uhmmm…I can tell you something i dont like..my toe, its cut and burning real bad

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
lol dont ask

35. Are you currently depressed?
nope..life is good

36. Did you cry today?
a little…going to work is really sad..
R.I.P Sophia =(

37. Why did you answer and post this?
my mommy wanted me tooo

38. Tag 5 people you want to do this survey.
Hmmmm….I dunno! the only person i would want already did it..!

Forgiveness means a great deal to me.  Something I’ve come to terms with in the last year (yes, it’s taken me that long in my life). 

In my life I’ve had many dealings with people that seemed to be mean to me for no reason.  Then, as I grew older from an elementary school child – I noticed people in general were simply *mean*.  This isn’t the reality of our world, but for a small child, that’s all I saw after being hurt many times.

Entering into my teens I was the one that was the *defender*.  Whenever I saw someone helpless being picked on, or physically hurt – I would defend them without an ounce of thought.  I never held back, and with that much anger and hatred you can imagine the receiver of my *save the world* attitude wasn’t in any good shape after it was done.

To be consistantly angry, and filled with so much hate and unforgiving wrath – it does a number on your spirit.  We weren’t put here on this earth to be filled with so much negative emotions.

After I had my first child, I dowsed the anger part of me.  I controlled it, and sometimes it was very difficult.  But the last thing I wanted my little girl to see was a mother that was anything but loving.

I lost a boyfriend in high school to suicide, so before my daughter was in existance (years later) the amount of hate and anger I had sped quickly to a very harmful level.  To dowse it once I found out I was pregnant was a day to day issue.

(Photo:  1988 Xmas My Grandma Mimi and Me (L-R) gramma wasn’t preggo) 

I would purposely walk outside into the back yard and find 10 new beautiful sights – every day.  Even looking to the old swingset in the backyard (I lived at the house I grew up in – moving in after my pregnancy was known).  I remember for the first time since I was probobly 2 years old actually smiling as I watched a butterfly land and take off.  I remember the feeling, I felt giddy like a little kid.  I didn’t stop smiling all day.

I had to *learn* to bring in light. 

I had to *learn* to get rid of the negative.

I had to *learn* that there are people who are loving and kind.

When my baby girl was born, the doctor held her in front of me and we all waited for her to cry.  She didn’t.  She simply *looked* at me.  I mean really *looked* at me.  After a few moments that seemed like forever, the doctor turned her back around to him to be sure she was okay.  He shrugged, turned her to face me and simply said "Well that’s an old soul".

(Photo:  1989 my baby girl and her horsie and grandma!) 

(Photo:  1990 Me and my little girl at the Marina) 

My daughter rarely cried.  She always smiled – always.  She simply was happy and healthy.  I thank goodness that I turned my self around.  The pregnancy was uneventful, and very easy.  I contribute it to me learning how to love – and how to forgive.

(Photo:  5/11/1997 (?) My boys Stephen (L) and Jimmy (R) – first look at those ears!  oh yes, my boys)

In my day to day life now, with a husband who loves me – with 4 children who are happy and healthy and normal – I can say, forgiveness is not just a good feeling.  It and Love are a way of life for me now.

(Photo:  6/4/2005 – He surprised me at my Aunties, driving over 200 miles ’cause he loves me!  (oh I love the smile…) 

(Photo:  7/12/2005 – My stepson and me!  oh my this kid has a smile that would melt ya!)

There’s Good News and News.  I don’t see things as horrible or unrelenting.  That would be an awful place or state to remain. 

(Photo:  4/3/2005 – When we were coming back from Disneyland!  hee hee)

I offer this sharing moment so that it may perhaps assist anyone who is having struggles.  I simply viewed the world, life, and people in the way I chose to view them.  All as bright lights with the potential to forgive and love. 

(Photo:  THESE are my babies (about a year ago) and the fantastic sense of humor we all have… bless all 4)

Love and Light to You,

Monica

Stephen’s back from his 2nd training at Impact Trainings in Utah.  He came home energized and really excited about what he learned and the group he left.  From what he said it was a sad goodbye because they all got so close in the trainings. 

He was one of 9 kids that got to speak at their graduation out of 92 kids.  I’m really proud of him.  He’s come along way in just the six days of training he’s had.  He used to be quite withdrawn and now he’s looking forward to potentially assisting in training another group there.  He does have another training called Lift Off coming up in May and that will be the last one.

My other son Jimmy went to the first one, but we couldn’t get him out of school to go to the second training.  Maybe the next Summit training he’ll be able to go to.

Daniel and I are going in May to the adult version of the courses.  I’ll let you know how I do. 

Love and Light,

Monica

I’m hitting back into University of Phoenix again.  Wish me
well on that, it’s crazy time wise.  But worth
it.

I start in a week or two. 

—–