I haven’t blogged much about what’s going on with my father-in-law… and I know people come through here looking for information on it and I haven’t really talked about it much. Why? I don’t know really. It’s just a real downer that I don’t really have it in me to discuss it. But it’s real, and it’s happening. So for those that look to this blog to know how things are, I thought I’d get it out a bit.

He’s dying of lung cancer. Yes, he smokes and has for most all of his life. And, is still smoking. And so do I. Does this make sense? No. Well, for him he says it doesn’t matter anymore. For me? Does it make sense to light up when you are watching someone you love die from just that? No – it doesn’t.

Cigarettes – why were they made? Why are they so darned addictive that faced with the way it takes you out of this beautiful life – you (me) continue to do it? I don’t understand.

I’ve attempted quits, but not successfully. There’s always an excuse to go back. Rather, I always give one. But to watch someone you love die from the very same habit makes no logical sense.

The amount of chemicals in a cigarette is staggering. So is how it takes you.

My father in law was this tall burly guy, now he’s a skeleton. I feel his spirit so solidly that it breaks my heart to hear him discuss the final part of his life. I make him smile, I make him laugh and I listen to his many many stories. That’s all I know to do. I’ve talked to him at length about what happens after all of this and he genuinely seems to be in a spiritual place now. Before, he denied it.

My husband is struggling and most times holds his head up and does as a “good” son would do. But sometimes I know he feels like breaking. It just hurts me to watch it all.

My mother-in-law (June) is the strength that Harold doesn’t have right now. She’s the dutiful wife that does everything with so much love and attention it brings tears to my eyes thinking of her. I know there will be a day that perhaps me or my husband will be faced with the same. Caring for your spouse to their death. One of the ultimate forms of love I would think.

Harold is extraordinary. He’s loving, kind, spiritual and gentle.

Harold has only a month or so left (or maybe weeks). It seems you can never get enough of a person before they go. There’s always so much more you wish for.

Harold asked Daniel and I, June (his wife), Mark (his 3rd born son) and Sedonia (Mark’s beautiful girlfriend) to get him out of the house. He’s refused further treatment and simply wanted to enjoy a day. Saturday we took him to Cache Creek (an Indian Casino near us) and we gambled and had a great time together. He was in a wheelchair and we wheeled him around to play whatever machine “called his name” and hit the awesome buffet. Okay, THAT was alot of fun. But watching him when he didn’t know I was – he just seems as if his spirit is here, but not. Kinda like half here. I don’t know if that makes sense. But he had fun to be sure!

There will be no services – per the family. I’ll be doing the arrangements so that his wife and the others don’t need to. But no services at all. It’s simply what they wish for.

Cancer surely should be cured by now. If we can put ourselves into space and spend huge amounts of monies on war, certainly we could get this darned medical issue as a past issue. My feeling.

Love and Light,

Mon