Posts Tagged ‘learn’

The word *me*, or the word *my*, or the word *I* – it’s just a word in a language that I use.

That may sound outlandish.  Ofcourse me, my, myself, I is – ME!  I’m finding it’s definitely not who you are.  It is a word in a language to associate something, someone, some form with an identifier.

Am I losing *you*?

As of late, I’ve learned about something called *the ego*.  It is what talks to me, what tells me what things are, or what is true, or what is right or wrong – AS *I* PERCEIVE IT.  It’s that voice in my head identifying every living, non-living form on this planet for *me* to understand.  Neurological Bar Coding it seems.

Does *me* fully explain what my BEING is?  Absolutely not.  I am more in depth than a word of two letters.  I am energy, I am light, I am from this universe – I am infinite.  How then could the word *me* begin to explain anything?  It falls so very short of what is the BEING inside of this physical form.

Can you imagine breaking free of the definitions you place on things? It’s possible that you can’t.

Think for a moment if you can be still…..

A tree is:  *Tree* right?  Well, it is energy as well.  It is living (at times), it protects the birds in their nest, it gives you joy when you look at it, it grows from this planet.  Does the word *Tree* begin to define what that form is?  Nope – just sit under one in the shade on a hot day and look at it.  Really look at it.  The word doesn’t BEGIN to define it.

There is so much to learn in this life, and I’m enjoying learning it all.

I’m currently reading “A New Earth: Finding Your Life’s Purpose” by Echart Tolle.  I cannot tell you enough how good this book is thusfar.  Read it, or don’t.  This isn’t an ad.

Remember when I said I’d attempt from scratch to create a Wordpress Theme?

Shoot me.

Okay, not really – I learned quite a bit.

Like… to heck with it!

Yes, like that.

So… I’ve decided to go with a theme that works VERY well, then just add my own “flair”.

Ever seen Revolution themes?

Goto Revolution2 if you are interested.  They are free – open source.

As soon as I get into the support forums for some questions, I’ll get it up and running.

Have a great night – morning.

I can’t sleep!

This is a bit of a rant, a bit of praise and a bit of frustration.  You see I have four children.  One, is living with his mother, he’s my step-child and I do only what a step-mother does – I love him and offer assistance when requested.  The other three are my responsibility.  One of which is 19 and in college and working.  Her father is taking care of that end – paying for college.  She doesn’t live with me.  So that narrows it to 2 I’m directly responsible for education wise.

My children – up until this year – have been enrolled in the normal public school system.  James is a senior (leaving to serve our great country as a Marine in June 2009), and the other is Stephen a junior in high school.  That’s 11th and 12th grade students in a public NORMAL California high school.  That is the number one issue – public school.

Now I hear many say the school systems are great.  Normally those are the parents of kids that are in elementary school.  By the time they hit junior high, I don’t seem to hear that much more.  Because, they (our California public schools) are not great.  Not in my opinion – and not the schools I’ve personally had any connection to.  They are overcrowded, understaffed, under budgeted… just plain under everything.

Let me make one thing clear – teachers as a whole are NOT in my category of issues.  These folks work for our children with what seems like all odds against them.  I would not begin to put them down.

James, my 12th grader – has exited out of normal high school this year and is in what is called an “Independent High School” program.  This means he meets with a teacher once a week and gets work handed to him and he has one week to complete it.  Or not.  This is an independent program.  If you don’t do the work, you are out.  Period.  So James, who didn’t do a BIT of work in the past two years, now is fully in charge of himself to learn what is needed and turn in his work.  Here starts one issue.  If he didn’t do the work before, how would he now?

I didn’t get involved in the kids schooling much.  I know, say what you must – but I didn’t.  Single mom, three kids – I was lucky to be home on time to pick them up from daycare let alone oversee hours of homework.  I would pick them up, get home and continue to work from home.  So not much guidance if any from me.

Now, James has to makeup a years worth of work – plus his senior work.  Again, this is a child that didn’t do anything in school to begin with!  Now, he’s having to double his work.  Hmmmm.

As of two weeks ago I was starting to get calls from his teacher – “James is doing poorly, he’s behind… etc. etc. etc.”.  Funny, his report card just came in with a B+ average.  So what happened?  He went back to how he normally does stuff.  He just doesn’t do it.

Well, I finally took charge.  Why now you ask?  After years of not doing a thing?  Because it’s all he’s got.  If he doesn’t graduate his military entry will be postponed.  Then, as usual – he’d fall down on himself and feel poorly and get himself even further behind.  I know my son.

Today, he met with his teacher for the normal one hour and turned in his work.  He’s got a TON left to do before next Friday’s meeting as I’m getting him caught back up and back on track.

Basically, he’s home schooled.  Not entirely, but that’s what it boils down to.  The plus side is… he’s home schooled.  No more gangs, no more girls, no more teachers screaming (yes, it’s happened).  But he’s got a long way to go this week to get back on track.

Now, enter my other child – Stephen.  He is bi-polar, rages at times, and is generally a to-himself kinda kid.  According to his doctors the last two hospitalizations were due to stress at school (bullies, deadlines etc.) and they have recommended he get out of the normal public schools as there is really no adults there to manage bullies – which is his biggest issue.  Great.  So Stephen is going to the same Independent program now as Jim.

That’s two at home doing schooling.

I work.

We can do this.

Who do I blame?  No one.  To have the kids out of the public regular high school is a huge plus to me.  The amount of drama, fights and lack of guidance only lays way to issues.  Many issues as our family has had to go through since junior high school.

The issue I see with my younger one is – if it was up to him, he’d stay away from any social type situations forever.  He’s not a people person.  Well, he’s not a mean people person and at their ages there are a lot of those.

I don’t know folks… James will be okay now that I have a handle on things, but Stephen?  How do I assist a depressed bi-polar child by keeping him at home?  I think I’m going to go onto the home schooling sites and see what kind of things we can do to get him out of the house.  I can’t believe his doctors think this will be beneficial to him in the long run.  Honestly.

High school is different now.  Much different.

I praise anyone who home schools – at least I know and understand why they don’t want them in the public school system.  It’s a genuine failure in so many ways.  I feel like somewhere with all of the “universal healthcare” and “my company is flopping bail us out” crud – we seem to have completely forgotten the children.  Our future is the kids and they are going to colleges in spite of what they’ve learned in high school – not because of it in many cases.

If you know of any good sites for home schooling, please leave them in the comments.  Stephen could certainly use it!

Thanks for listening/reading to my vent.

Love and Light,

A Momma

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First, a huge amount of gratitude to those that have commented, emailed and given their love and support in the times I’ve had in the last week.

I have had Stephen read the comments and he teared up.  He’s 16 but can be touched by kind hearts and beautiful words.  Thank you.

He is starting his own blog, and I’ll link here when he’s got it a bit under control.

Second, if there is anyone else out there that is empathic at all – I ask you this – how heavy are you feeling now?

Those reading may not believe in what I do, and that’s a blessing because varied views are beautiful and learning experiences for us all!

Let me tell you where I’m at right this moment as a 40 year old lady, living in the U.S. on this planet Earth in this Solar System and a part of the Universe:

I’m fighting to keep my world full of light, and love and stillness.

Although I’ve dealt with emotional ups and downs this last week – I can tell you that isn’t all that is creating a difficult situation in my spirit.

In the U.S. we have so many crisis’s right now.  From the election, to the financial “Wholly Heck”, to the day to day issues of homelessness, abuse and suffering.

In the World we have suffering, war, and hate.

On Earth we have a general tone of “oh well, someone will fix it later”.

*We* does not mean each individual by the way, there are many doing what they can in each instance.  But not the whole.

Mahatma Ghandi has a quote I attempt to live my life by every day and I do fall short most days unfortunately:

Be the change you want to see in the world.

That doesn’t mean look to someone to change it.  It does truly mean for you to be the change you wish for.  It starts with each of us.

With that said, there isn’t many American’s right now that aren’t having great angst and fear around this election.  Both the Obama side and the McCain side of voters actually FEAR the other getting into office.  Why?  It’s because of our media and mis-information being thrown at you. These two are men.  Humans like us.  They will each do the best they can to assist this country.  Neither is as bad as each side paints them to be.

I can say I’ve personally seen things that make me question the integrity and sincerity of both sides.  Enough to make me wonder who to “write in” on the ballot.  Then I catch myself.

Folks, either candidate will be perfect.

If that statement jolts you from the inside and you want to SCREAM “it’s not so” – then I urge you to look inside and ask yourself what your true fear is.  Take a deep look at what you fear and work on that.  Yourself.

Whoever gets elected is going to have a tough year ahead of them.  It’s just where we are at right now.

I get that lately – many folks are going to need therapy in heavy doses after this election.

It will all be okay.

It will all just *be* and that is perfect.

Please get yourself to a place of calmness, stillness and light if you are currently in fear, stressed or generally off balance.  At the very least, if you are feeling this way – take a look at it.

It feels to me that the world is going faster and faster and folks are attempting to move away from it, not with it.

It will all be okay… really.  It will be perfect.

Love and Light to everyone that reads this.  You are loved.

Monica

I’ll give you a bit of my belief for a moment.  I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. I personally believe we live our lives here to *learn*.  I do not believe in a heaven or hell.  I believe that when we die we are all together in our spiritual light – all of us.  Yes, even those you would think or perhaps *hope* would be in hell – they are just as beautiful and as pure as we are in a spiritual sense.

With that said, there are many times I get caught in a cycle of “What Now?”.  Meaning, I know I came here to learn, but sometimes I get confused as to what it is I’m learning.  Right now, I’m in that state of confusion.

I’ll get out of this, but in the meantime I feel as if everything I say doesn’t make sense.  It’s like I’m speaking jibberish.  Literally as I speak to others they turn away, cut me off, or just walk away as if I’m not speaking.  It’s an odd feeling.  I’d say I’ve got some energies stuck somewhere.

I wish my sanctuary outside didn’t get destroyed by the wind.  I really could balance there.

According to Wikipedia marriage is:

“Marriage is a personal union of individuals. This union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is called a wedding and the status created is sometimes called wedlock.”

According to Monica, marriage is:

“An agreement by two people (no, I DON’T care if it’s same sex fer cryin’ out loud!  that dispute is getting old to me… sheesh):

• combine assets,
• allow the other full access to your heart (yes, even the potential to hurt one another),
• publicly announce you are taken (jeeze, this one was like putting out an announcement in the paper – or maybe we should have),
• to love the other one – even when you are angrier than a bull getting messed with by a guy with a red blanket,
• to not leave or announce DIVORCE ’cause you just can’t take it anymore
• to respect eachother’s lives (yes, we actually DO still have our own lives)
• to deal with the other’s families, even if you aren’t sure why they do what they do (not my hubbies family ofcourse)

to learn, to love, through sickness and health – ’till death do us part kinda thing”

So, after having our 2 year wedding anniversary I can say we’ve done all of the above.

What is a marriage that works?  To me, it’s one you keep working on.

I was married once before, so was he.  His lasted longer than mine… mine lasted all of 6 years.  Enough time to have my beautiful children and thank my ex-husband for the time I had with him.  It wasn’t a pretty breakup, but very quiet – we just gave up.

Daniel and I work hard sometimes on our marriage.  He came in to a family – me and three children.  I took on him and his son.  He is a neat freak, I’m messier than all heck.  He is a perfectionist with money… me?  Well… I have some and my kids are fed and I was always able to pay the bills and keep what I had, that’s all that mattered to me.

We are so different in so many ways.  SO many ways.  I talk to my ex-boyfriend once in awhile, he talks to his ex-wife almost daily.  His ex-girlfriend reads my blog, my ex-boyfriend reads my MySpace.

He is a great provider, a wonderful step-father, and great other things. 

So what do I feel today that’s different than when he and I first started this relationship?  I feel secure, happy, and at peace.

There are days when both of us wonder “what next?”.

Today we just get to *be*.

I love my husband and am glad we fought so hard to be together.  We each left people with broken hearts to come together.  They just weren’t the ones we were to share our lives with.

According to Monica ~ Marriage:  A Union of Two Spirits that Chose to Come Together In This Life to Learn with Eachother

~Monica~

Have any of you heard “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis? Not sure if I like the words, but it’s so stuck in my head! Hee hee.Another song seems to be “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven. I made a playlist at Playlist.com. Have any of you tried it? I learned about it on MySpace ofcourse, as folks have theirs on their pages. Quite fun actually.

Let’s see if that gets published on here. Music always makes me feel good, even rock. This is a test post really to see if I can put it up there.

I have four children.  At times, each has had hard times.  Each time those times come, I’m a momma and I assist in whatever way I can.  I do this with love. 

I have a child right now that is struggling at an important transitional part of his life.  Because of this, I’m worried… sad… frightened… and above all, my love for him doesn’t fade or flicker one bit.  I stand by him pointing to the direction *I* think would be best for him.  Sometimes he looks to me and follows where I point, other times… he drifts off, searching for the direction himself.

I have been taught, and generally know, our lives are a learning experience.  Those experiences at times, are difficult.  However, the experiences we go through are truly our own.  His life and his learning is his own.  I know this.  It is still difficult watching choices being made that I know will have him struggling (in my own opinion) – uneccessarily.  Again, it’s truly not mine to judge – only to continue to stand steadfast and point in the direction I know will be *easier* for him.

It’s a struggle within myself.  Sometimes I feel like *yanking* him in the direction I’m pointing.  But then, my understanding of life lessons come into play.

There are people that continuously tell me what I am doing seems like I don’t care.  I don’t respond to him as they believe I should.  Advice from others are streamed in a steady wave at times.  I do listen, but I always end up going with what I *feel* is perfect at the time.  I run very much from inner knowing, and unconditional love.  So many people – so many "you aren’t hard enough", "you should just give up", "I can’t believe you’ve let it get this far." 

Luckilly, it’s not drugs.  But it is very important… he’s failing in school.  He just gives up on himself.  Where did he learn that?  Hmmmm…. I think I know.  I could do the "wish I woulda" or "wish I didn’t", but why?  I’m doing what I believe to be perfect for him now.  He’s almost an adult – what else can I do but respond with love, guidance and a certain amount of pressure?

I guess I’m tired of hearing the things others keep saying I’m doing wrong.  I’m tired of the negativity he gets from others.  It just seems to make him give up.  He’ll learn, in the meantime I will do as I know how.  Love him like the momma I am, and pray he hears me when I say he’s perfect.

Love and Light,

~Mon~

(all photos are from photobucket.com)

First off – Happy New Year! 

Oh I missed blogging so so SO much!  (hee hee)  I’m not gonna talk about Xmas and New Year’s yet ’cause there were so many fun things and weird things that happened – that will be for some other posts.

The long and short of the Holidays at the Ford House?  A Whole Gaggle of Giggles and OMGoodness’s!

So something I wanted to share on day 1 of the new year -

I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT ‘08!  Seriously, I cannot at all remember being so derned excited about a New Year!

We had some ups and downs last year to be sure… but we learned from every event and that’s what life is all about isn’t it?  To Learn.  Well, learn we did…

Biggest thing I learned in 2007?

TO ENJOY AND APPRECIATE LIFE

… in the fullest of ways …

Second Biggest?

… to slow down time …

Yuppers!  Ever feel like you are on auto-pilot and things sometimes just ZOOM by?  I did, up until oh… last summer I think.  It still happens if I’m not paying attention, but I have to say – last year I paid attention.  Quite costly not to.

Time had me by the hair it seemed.  I didn’t want to blink and have it all gone…. so I take the time to notice my life and those in it.  Like YOU for instance.  I actually have blog friends.  And ya’ll are wonderful!  I just can’t get enough.

So 2008 I welcome you with open arms.

To my blog friends out there, thank you.  Thank you for being in my life even if it’s reading about things and not sharing them over a coffee house table with an Iced Chai in hand.  Still feels like it when I read your posts and enjoy what you all have to say.

Thank you… you are all the best.  This also goes out to my lurkers out there.  You are appreciated too ya know. 

Love and Beautiful Renewing Light,

Monica

(sorry about the weird font issues… LOL  this post had a mind of it’s own!  Oh, and back to the regular format… the other one was nice, but she made me cold every time I came to my own site!  LOL)

Forgiveness means a great deal to me.  Something I’ve come to terms with in the last year (yes, it’s taken me that long in my life). 

In my life I’ve had many dealings with people that seemed to be mean to me for no reason.  Then, as I grew older from an elementary school child – I noticed people in general were simply *mean*.  This isn’t the reality of our world, but for a small child, that’s all I saw after being hurt many times.

Entering into my teens I was the one that was the *defender*.  Whenever I saw someone helpless being picked on, or physically hurt – I would defend them without an ounce of thought.  I never held back, and with that much anger and hatred you can imagine the receiver of my *save the world* attitude wasn’t in any good shape after it was done.

To be consistantly angry, and filled with so much hate and unforgiving wrath – it does a number on your spirit.  We weren’t put here on this earth to be filled with so much negative emotions.

After I had my first child, I dowsed the anger part of me.  I controlled it, and sometimes it was very difficult.  But the last thing I wanted my little girl to see was a mother that was anything but loving.

I lost a boyfriend in high school to suicide, so before my daughter was in existance (years later) the amount of hate and anger I had sped quickly to a very harmful level.  To dowse it once I found out I was pregnant was a day to day issue.

(Photo:  1988 Xmas My Grandma Mimi and Me (L-R) gramma wasn’t preggo) 

I would purposely walk outside into the back yard and find 10 new beautiful sights – every day.  Even looking to the old swingset in the backyard (I lived at the house I grew up in – moving in after my pregnancy was known).  I remember for the first time since I was probobly 2 years old actually smiling as I watched a butterfly land and take off.  I remember the feeling, I felt giddy like a little kid.  I didn’t stop smiling all day.

I had to *learn* to bring in light. 

I had to *learn* to get rid of the negative.

I had to *learn* that there are people who are loving and kind.

When my baby girl was born, the doctor held her in front of me and we all waited for her to cry.  She didn’t.  She simply *looked* at me.  I mean really *looked* at me.  After a few moments that seemed like forever, the doctor turned her back around to him to be sure she was okay.  He shrugged, turned her to face me and simply said "Well that’s an old soul".

(Photo:  1989 my baby girl and her horsie and grandma!) 

(Photo:  1990 Me and my little girl at the Marina) 

My daughter rarely cried.  She always smiled – always.  She simply was happy and healthy.  I thank goodness that I turned my self around.  The pregnancy was uneventful, and very easy.  I contribute it to me learning how to love – and how to forgive.

(Photo:  5/11/1997 (?) My boys Stephen (L) and Jimmy (R) – first look at those ears!  oh yes, my boys)

In my day to day life now, with a husband who loves me – with 4 children who are happy and healthy and normal – I can say, forgiveness is not just a good feeling.  It and Love are a way of life for me now.

(Photo:  6/4/2005 – He surprised me at my Aunties, driving over 200 miles ’cause he loves me!  (oh I love the smile…) 

(Photo:  7/12/2005 – My stepson and me!  oh my this kid has a smile that would melt ya!)

There’s Good News and News.  I don’t see things as horrible or unrelenting.  That would be an awful place or state to remain. 

(Photo:  4/3/2005 – When we were coming back from Disneyland!  hee hee)

I offer this sharing moment so that it may perhaps assist anyone who is having struggles.  I simply viewed the world, life, and people in the way I chose to view them.  All as bright lights with the potential to forgive and love. 

(Photo:  THESE are my babies (about a year ago) and the fantastic sense of humor we all have… bless all 4)

Love and Light to You,

Monica