Posts Tagged ‘hell’

We raise our children in the hopes that no pain will befall them.

I personally cringe when one of my children stubs even a small toe.

To see our children in pain feels like an unjust thrust upon us from the Universe.

We know that cry when they are small, it’s not a whine or complaint – it’s the “mommy I need you now” cry.

What about when they are teens?

The teen “cry” is different.

At times it is almost mute, and you have to listen intently to hear their cries.

My son has once again cried out and has now been hospitalized.

Again.

This time last year he attempted suicide bringing the family to a stillness I never want to re-live.

This time, he reached out for assistance before the overdose, cutting and police SWAT team that we lived through last year.

I know in my heart this is simply something my son gets to go through.

As his mother, I can tell you with ever breath I take – I do not like it one bit.

Why couldn’t it be that they could just go through life with love, peace and happiness?

I suppose, that wouldn’t be life here would it?

Teen suicide is ridiculously high.  I even hear some folks joke about it – I’m not sure I get the joke.  Nor do I wish to.

He was diagnosed last year with Bi-Polar with Psychotic Episodes.  His medication has been working up until now – or apparently 3 weeks before now as we are finding out.

As his mom, I would just like to ask the Universe to let him be.

Let him feel calm, still, and happy with himself.

I’ll be on and off for a bit, this blog is – after all – a source of my therapy.  Don’t wig out if I’m still cheery, I just had to get some of it off my heart in this post.  My outlook on all things in life is positive.  Even those things that seem to pull my heart right out of my chest.

He’ll come home happy and healthy as he did last time – I just know it.

Love and Healing Light to all of you ~ Monica

My Son Stephen 2007-09-28

Update on Stephen 2007-10-07

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My son has requested that I place his writings up on my site for my readers to comment on or at least read.  He’s a heavy writer, and it seems that journaling while he’s hospitalized feels good to him.  Although I haven’t read it yet, I’ll see what I can do to set up a page for him and either type exactly as he has it, or I’ll perhaps place portions of it up.  I’ll post here when I create it.

(photos and graphics other than my son were found from Photobucket – just type “teen”)

I’ll give you a bit of my belief for a moment.  I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. I personally believe we live our lives here to *learn*.  I do not believe in a heaven or hell.  I believe that when we die we are all together in our spiritual light – all of us.  Yes, even those you would think or perhaps *hope* would be in hell – they are just as beautiful and as pure as we are in a spiritual sense.

With that said, there are many times I get caught in a cycle of “What Now?”.  Meaning, I know I came here to learn, but sometimes I get confused as to what it is I’m learning.  Right now, I’m in that state of confusion.

I’ll get out of this, but in the meantime I feel as if everything I say doesn’t make sense.  It’s like I’m speaking jibberish.  Literally as I speak to others they turn away, cut me off, or just walk away as if I’m not speaking.  It’s an odd feeling.  I’d say I’ve got some energies stuck somewhere.

I wish my sanctuary outside didn’t get destroyed by the wind.  I really could balance there.

I have four children.  At times, each has had hard times.  Each time those times come, I’m a momma and I assist in whatever way I can.  I do this with love. 

I have a child right now that is struggling at an important transitional part of his life.  Because of this, I’m worried… sad… frightened… and above all, my love for him doesn’t fade or flicker one bit.  I stand by him pointing to the direction *I* think would be best for him.  Sometimes he looks to me and follows where I point, other times… he drifts off, searching for the direction himself.

 

I have been taught, and generally know, our lives are a learning experience.  Those experiences at times, are difficult.  However, the experiences we go through are truly our own.  His life and his learning is his own.  I know this.  It is still difficult watching choices being made that I know will have him struggling (in my own opinion) – uneccessarily.  Again, it’s truly not mine to judge – only to continue to stand steadfast and point in the direction I know will be *easier* for him.

It’s a struggle within myself.  Sometimes I feel like *yanking* him in the direction I’m pointing.  But then, my understanding of life lessons come into play.

There are people that continuously tell me what I am doing seems like I don’t care.  I don’t respond to him as they believe I should.  Advice from others are streamed in a steady wave at times.  I do listen, but I always end up going with what I *feel* is perfect at the time.  I run very much from inner knowing, and unconditional love.  So many people – so many "you aren’t hard enough", "you should just give up", "I can’t believe you’ve let it get this far." 

Luckilly, it’s not drugs.  But it is very important… he’s failing in school.  He just gives up on himself.  Where did he learn that?  Hmmmm…. I think I know.  I could do the "wish I woulda" or "wish I didn’t", but why?  I’m doing what I believe to be perfect for him now.  He’s almost an adult – what else can I do but respond with love, guidance and a certain amount of pressure?

I guess I’m tired of hearing the things others keep saying I’m doing wrong.  I’m tired of the negativity he gets from others.  It just seems to make him give up.  He’ll learn, in the meantime I will do as I know how.  Love him like the momma I am, and pray he hears me when I say he’s perfect.

Love and Light,

~Mon~

(all photos are from photobucket.com)

Stephen’s back from his 2nd training at Impact Trainings in Utah.  He came home energized and really excited about what he learned and the group he left.  From what he said it was a sad goodbye because they all got so close in the trainings. 

He was one of 9 kids that got to speak at their graduation out of 92 kids.  I’m really proud of him.  He’s come along way in just the six days of training he’s had.  He used to be quite withdrawn and now he’s looking forward to potentially assisting in training another group there.  He does have another training called Lift Off coming up in May and that will be the last one.

My other son Jimmy went to the first one, but we couldn’t get him out of school to go to the second training.  Maybe the next Summit training he’ll be able to go to.

Daniel and I are going in May to the adult version of the courses.  I’ll let you know how I do. 

Love and Light,

Monica

It’s horrible.  Terrible.  Makes no sense.

Seems to me that those three statements are becoming the norm.  Newscast after newscast.

"Looking for answers", "More live from Virginia Tech", "Roomates of Killer only on 360".  This is what I hear as my husband flips the channel.

E-freakin-nuff.

Why does it seem that the news channels get excited over all of this.  Why does it seem that out of that many families that are grieving their babies, that the news channels have an air of excitemtent.

The initial tragedy is horrific.  But the following of news crud day after day after day is even more disgusting.

my opinon

Loving thoughts and feelings to those that have lost.

A hearfelt "shut the hell up" to those continuing the wounds.  Let it rest, as if the news channels knew how.

Love and light to all of you and may your families be safe.

Monica

Just in case you were wondering if I knew what day it was.  I do. 

Today was quite windy.  I was parked at Starbucks a place that sells nutritious stuff, and was waiting for my son Jimmy to go in and get my Venti Iced Chai Latte nutritious thing, and while I was waiting I could have sworn I was being rocked to sleep.  Wasn’t sure at the moment what the issue was, and then it dawned on me duh! the wind!  It was literally rocking the van I was in, AND the other cars in the lot.  Strange sensation.

It felt almost like when you first step on an escalator, when you try to adjust to the movement and have that moment of inbalance.

I live in California and the only thing that rocks us here are the earthquakes.  Earthquakes, small ones, are actually kinda fun.  Yes, I know… strange.  As long as nothing is falling on your head it really is an interesting feeling to have the earth suddenly move you.  We take the ground we walk on for granted.

Everyone from California has an earthquake story.  If not, they are only passerbys.  Having lived here for almost 40 years (holey crap!) then I can say I’ve been through many of them.  The 1989 one was a big one for me because my 6 month old baby was at a babysitters hours away (traffic was stopped so a normal 1/2 hour drive turned into much longer) and there was no phone connection.  I remember the news first reports that the SF Bay Bridge had collapsed.  Entirely.  It didn’t, but a good size chunk did.  Not to mention all the other hell that happened after.

See?  Get a Californian started… there it goes.

But wind?

Here’s my question for those that deal with Tornados.  Um, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? 

That is precisely the question I get from those outside of California about the earthquakes.  So I do understand.  But wow!  And hurricanes… and all other horrific weather emergencies. 

I’d be the idiot running out taking pictures of the "oh look at the pretty sky" before the twister.

By the way, my most favorite movie in the whole wide world is Twister.  Just a funky fact.