Nov 9 2007

How Come It’s So Hard To Write?

Posted on November 9, 2007 by Monica

The obituary for my father-in-law was approved by the family and just sent to the newspapers. It’s only a statistical factual summary of him, but that’s how they are I suppose.

I have to say, writing the obit meant so much to me. I don’t know why. He asked me to take care of all of the arrangements. Me. And I did… and I felt like I gave something you know? So his wife didn’t have to do anything. Down to the obituary….

Why was it so hard to write though? I was afraid to send it to his sons, afraid I said something wrong afraid I didn’t say enough afraid I said too much… oy. They approved it without changes… that makes me feel good.

:: sigh ::

When does this stuff get any better? I keep on crying… I just saw him what feels like yesterday. I still feel his hand holding mine and his eyes with so much love…

You know what I loved? One of the things I loved… is how he spoke of his wife. He would always joke with everyone ya know? "Grumpy ‘Ole Man" I’d call him, but he stopped and became serious and loving and his wife… he would say the most beautiful things about his wife. He said Daniel and I would be the same in the years to come… I know we will. I already call Daniel "Grump", so I’m sure the "’ole man" will come sometime in the future… hee hee.

He told me that me and Daniel were perfect for eachother and he was happy I was the one he married. He said I was a daughter to him, as with Dawn (Daniel’s ex-wife), and Sidonia (Mark’s girlfriend). He said the three of us meant more to him then he could say… that we were the ones that he considered daughters. He said, three sons and three daughters "I’ve got it made". We had it made.

He told me that his sons were the world to him, and his wife was what held it all together. And boy did she. If I could be half the wife to Daniel that she was to Harold… I’d be happy…

I talked to her a few days before he passed away and she told me that her and Harold were so happy he married me. It made me cry right away on the phone ya know? They’ve said it so many times before, but this time… she was very pointedly and purposely making making sure it was heard.

I love them both so much.

So now what… no more preparations or things to keep us busy. The boys have one final event they get to do alone, then… we are left with our thoughts.

… memories and thoughts …

I would just like to say: Cancer sucks.

But it’s awesome to know I’ll see him again ~ as the beautiful spirit he is. Someday, when I’m done here.

Thanks for listening, writing sure does help get it out. Well, get it out and deal with it you know?

~Mon~

Nov 8 2007

Forgiveness and a Bit of Sharing

Posted on November 8, 2007 by Monica

Forgiveness means a great deal to me. Something I’ve come to terms with in the last year (yes, it’s taken me that long in my life).

In my life I’ve had many dealings with people that seemed to be mean to me for no reason. Then, as I grew older from an elementary school child – I noticed people in general were simply *mean*. This isn’t the reality of our world, but for a small child, that’s all I saw after being hurt many times.

Entering into my teens I was the one that was the *defender*. Whenever I saw someone helpless being picked on, or physically hurt – I would defend them without an ounce of thought. I never held back, and with that much anger and hatred you can imagine the receiver of my *save the world* attitude wasn’t in any good shape after it was done.

To be consistantly angry, and filled with so much hate and unforgiving wrath – it does a number on your spirit. We weren’t put here on this earth to be filled with so much negative emotions.

After I had my first child, I dowsed the anger part of me. I controlled it, and sometimes it was very difficult. But the last thing I wanted my little girl to see was a mother that was anything but loving.

I lost a boyfriend in high school to suicide, so before my daughter was in existance (years later) the amount of hate and anger I had sped quickly to a very harmful level. To dowse it once I found out I was pregnant was a day to day issue.

(Photo: 1988 Xmas My Grandma Mimi and Me (L-R) gramma wasn’t preggo)

I would purposely walk outside into the back yard and find 10 new beautiful sights – every day. Even looking to the old swingset in the backyard (I lived at the house I grew up in – moving in after my pregnancy was known). I remember for the first time since I was probobly 2 years old actually smiling as I watched a butterfly land and take off. I remember the feeling, I felt giddy like a little kid. I didn’t stop smiling all day.

I had to *learn* to bring in light.

I had to *learn* to get rid of the negative.

I had to *learn* that there are people who are loving and kind.

When my baby girl was born, the doctor held her in front of me and we all waited for her to cry. She didn’t. She simply *looked* at me. I mean really *looked* at me. After a few moments that seemed like forever, the doctor turned her back around to him to be sure she was okay. He shrugged, turned her to face me and simply said "Well that’s an old soul".

(Photo: 1989 my baby girl and her horsie and grandma!)

(Photo: 1990 Me and my little girl at the Marina)

My daughter rarely cried. She always smiled – always. She simply was happy and healthy. I thank goodness that I turned my self around. The pregnancy was uneventful, and very easy. I contribute it to me learning how to love – and how to forgive.

(Photo: 5/11/1997 (?) My boys Stephen (L) and Jimmy (R) – first look at those ears! oh yes, my boys)

In my day to day life now, with a husband who loves me – with 4 children who are happy and healthy and normal – I can say, forgiveness is not just a good feeling. It and Love are a way of life for me now.

(Photo: 6/4/2005 – He surprised me at my Aunties, driving over 200 miles ’cause he loves me! (oh I love the smile…)

(Photo: 7/12/2005 – My stepson and me! oh my this kid has a smile that would melt ya!)

There’s Good News and News. I don’t see things as horrible or unrelenting. That would be an awful place or state to remain.

(Photo: 4/3/2005 – When we were coming back from Disneyland! hee hee)

I offer this sharing moment so that it may perhaps assist anyone who is having struggles. I simply viewed the world, life, and people in the way I chose to view them. All as bright lights with the potential to forgive and love.

(Photo: THESE are my babies (about a year ago) and the fantastic sense of humor we all have… bless all 4)

Love and Light to You,

Monica

Nov 4 2007

Thoughts In Photos

Posted on November 4, 2007 by Monica

Today is a reflection day. I found I was holding in so many feelings lately, that I about exploded. With my father-in-law passing away, I thought I could be strong and that because I knew he was in a beautiful spiritual place now, I would feel okay. But, it seems I’m like everyone when they lose someone close – I have a grieving period.

It’s Okay To Greive – in fact, I personally believe for your spiritual health, it’s simply a must

Someone said something that was quite hurtful, and I was very upset. Then, I looked back on it and realized… it’s okay. I forgive very easily because I really love so much. To be spiteful is actually a poison to a person. Negative energy isn’t allowed in my life, it’s diffused very quickly. That’s all new to me and I’m learning how to do just that… Forgiveness is a beautiful and a very cleansing response to any issue really. Or at least, I’m learning. To that person, I simply send love and light because it’s just what they need. Everyone deserves love.

Everyone Deserves Love

Last night I broke down alot. I feel better today but a bit *hung over* from crying so much.

It’s Healthy To Cry

What works for me? Taking pictures does… today it did. Blogging does as well! And reading blogs from all of you, well… that just puts a day into a perfect place. Not to mention my beautiful family.

I’ll share with you my journal for today with photos and a bit of what I was thinking as I took each of them. If it gets too boring, go play frogger on the “Fun Stuff” page! I’m all about giggles ya know. Fer cryin’ out loud!

Here’s my photo journal for the day…

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have new grass. Due to the puppy we got, the wires to the sprinkler system were dug up and chewed through and well… the puppy just destroyed it. Because my husband is so truly kind and loving to me, he got us a brand new lawn… and it’s green, and it’s absolutely beautiful. No more dirt and tufts of weeds, I have my beautiful lawn back.

That gazebo you see is another of my enjoyments. My husband and I use the jacuzzi alot! The top of the gazebo has a wonderful green metal roof. The sounds of rain on the roof, the feeling of the cold air around you, and the warmth of the 102 degree gurgling jacuzzi… well, it’s just a slice of my heaven. I’m thankful.

Ofcourse, there are frogs in them thar hills. If you look up on the gazebo, there are three frogs in a stepping stone that I’ve hung… they are absolutely the best.

This is just one of the times I’ve looked to the sky and gotten the feeling of wonder. When I’m in the yard, I always look up. The sky to me is like a slideshow of random wonder. It’s always ever changing, and never anything less than awe inspiring. At least, if you look at it through the eyes of a child. That, I’ve been learning to do more and more as well. Thanks to Harold ~ he suggested to look at things like you were a child. It’s an interesting perspective.

Our puppy. Daniel and I have four children between the two of us. Both of us wonder what a baby from the both of us would look like, be like… but we are not going to have a child. After his son was born, he didn’t want another. After I hit 30, you couldn’t have paid me to go through all of that again. We are happy to have Sammy – the fur-child. He doesn’t look like us, doesn’t talk… but BOY does he love us.

Since we’ve had such a tough few months, I’ve noticed something about Sammy that not every dog has… he’s highly responsive to emotions. In example, I was crying last night and he pushed his head into my arms and just looked up at me with the compassion I would only think could be found in a human. I’m wrong, ofcourse, but he just seemed to *know*. He wouldn’t leave my side until I felt better. Then he moved to the floor by me and laid down, not taking an eye off of me.

Sammy may look ferocious to our neighbors and those that have made the mistake of attempting to get into the yard ~ but his heart is of gold, and he is extremely protective. He’s a true gift.

Just watch the teeth. Oh, and when he stands fully erect (with the help of placing his paws on your shoulders) – he looks my husband straight in the eye. 5’10″ I believe.

As I was about done with my photo thoughts, I walked inside and looked around our house. It feels so wonderful. So loving. Even the refrigerator has love on it:

These beauties are my niece Megan, and her beautiful momma Wendy. The bear ‘o magnet is from a cruise I was lucky enough to take to Alaska in 2003. Another bit of thankfulness.

Thank you for sharing in my thoughts for the day. I truly wish you love and light and remember to look at things through the eyes of a child.

Love and Light,

Monica Ford

Nov 1 2007

Happy Halloween!

Posted on November 1, 2007 by Monica

or… whatever it is you celebrate during this time of year.

Today was extremely stressful with issues come at me from every edge of my universe. I think I dodged instead of fighting all of them. It’s easier that way at times, and could be the best for everyone involved. I almost got confrontational with my son’s doctor. Oh no no no, not helpful at all. I bit my tongue ~ but I’m going to have to blog about this at a later time. I really *really* got pretty hot with a few questions that were posed. Maybe it’s just that momma-bear thing. Whatever it is, I sure have to make sure my boy is fine. It’s not necessary to voice my opinions… well, not in front of him that is.

Wow.

I can still feel Harold’s hand holding mine. It’s funny ’cause I never held his hand before June ’07 much. He never was a touchy feely (well… hugs were always there!) kinda guy. But he held my hand so often and I can still feel it. It’s funny what the mind can do. I’m having a problem believing he’s not here on earth anymore.

What is the purpose of life? To Learn! There is absolutely no question in my mind on that one…

It’s time to re-energize myself you know? You cannot assist others when your own battery icon is glowing red. Does anyone have any hints for meditation or how’s this… what do you do to get the *positive* energy in to your soul and being when you are pouring it out to others to assist them in their struggles? I have asked some folks and all good ideas which I’m going to practice. But I was wondering what anyone here would like to share?

Oct 23 2007

I’ve Got Grass!

Posted on October 23, 2007 by Monica

Oh for the love of Pete! (I don’t know who Pete is btw). I have grass in my backyard! OH my goodness I’m excited. Really really excited.

Strange eh? A blog entry about grass. Well, lemme tell you…

I purchased the house in 2002. The prior owners took perfect care of the house… I didn’t do so bad either. Until, Daniel and I got the puppy. Well, our puppy destroyed the grass by a) peeing (hey, it happens!) and b) chewing through the wires of the sprinkler system. So, the area that had grass became our area for dirt. ::sigh::

Here’s 2002 when I first moved in:

Here’s 2005 right after we got the puppy:

Here’s 2006 when the very last of the lawn was going:

Now, it looks better than the first one. ’cause it’s new! yeah! I’ll take a pic tomorrow when there is sun. We are making a doggy area on the side for the now *horse* size dog. Okay, small horse… pony really.

Not only do I have my lawn back thanks to the hubby (you are THE bestest!) but last night after I watered I noticed a frog looking up at me from the grass. Oh my gosh I haven’t had frogs in the backyard since the destruction of the grass. Oh yes… the frogs are back and I’m a happy gal.

hugs

~Monica~

Oct 10 2007

Random Thoughts

Posted on October 10, 2007 by Monica

Hi there!

My dearest husband took off for a day to Utah for a reunion of our training group. It’s funny, ’cause I’m so happy for him to get out and get away for a bit of time to himself. He’s had such a rough time as of late… what with things here at the house, his father being at the end of cancer, and a load of work. I’m glad he’s taking this time to go have some genuine fun.

He and I have been married since May of 2006 and integrating a family has been very interesting and at times a huge test of our spirits. We’ve done great in my opinion, but there are always times when each of us, married or not, need time to ourselves. Because even when you are married, I truly believe you are still individuals as well.

I remember when marriage was simply something I didn’t have a need for. I was a single mother for upwards of 10 years and did very well on my own. I was quite independent and simply “knew” I could take it all on. I did take it all on, and succeeded.

Then the issue of marriage came up and he and I simply “dived” in. We ran away and got married and happilly. Both of us had stated we would never get married again, and that we didn’t “need” to be married. Funny, as much as we said it was as hard as we ran to do it.

Life being a combined family has its ups and downs to be sure. But I have to say, sharing this life with him is simply wonderful. No doubts there.

The children are doing well. Stephen has been happy and healthy, James has been happy too – After all mom has been home 24/7 and given them both ample family time.

I work from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep now. Owning your own business requires that you take care of your clients – and I have to say it’s very enjoyable. Having the ability to work from my home and be with the kids has been very refreshing. Although, we pay for an office in a city away… I have been working from the house to be sure I’m home right now for Stephen.

I’m getting a bit antsy. I haven’t driven since June 14th of this year and my brand new (under 4k miles) Lexus is dusty in the garage. Not being able to drive has taken a bit of a toll on my good natured self. I sometimes feel very “caged” and totally dependent on my husband to get me from point A to point B. I’m sure my license will be good in at the most January of 2008. Although the 6 months hits on 12/14/2007 – it does take the California Dept. of Motor Vehicles quite a while to process paperwork. So I’m giving it until January so I won’t be let down.

After all of this happened with Stephen I noticed how much love and caring those around me had to share. Family came out of the wordwork to be sure all was well. Friends were right there for me when I needed them. Including my “Blogging” friends. Thank you for the uplifting comments and emails. You are appreciated.

Well, enough rambling and back to work.

My love to you and yours…

Sincerely,

Monica (albiet caged, but still smiling)

May 21 2007

One Year Wedding Anniversary!

Posted on May 21, 2007 by Monica

Although we’ve been "with" eachother since 11/2004 – we were married on 5/20/2006! So, ’tis our one year anniversary! Oh my gosh we had a blast. Daniel told me we were going for a drive. A drive we did up to Napa Valley and into Calistoga California.

We walked around Lincoln Ave in Calistoga and had some fun sites! There was the "wind fun" guy, the old cars AND the beautiful architecture.

But his surprise was when we walked into the Lavender Hills Spa! We had a seaweed bath, facial of sorts, and an hour massage. Hello?! What a guy!

I love you honey, and happy first anniversary and looking forward to many many more.

Love and Light,

Mon (enjoy the pics!)

=============

The Wind Things Man

He was a very colorful guy and very happy! I just had to put this pic in here.

The Price of Living There (well, nice parcel!)

The price on this is $2,850,000USD. Daniel and I were talking about retiring there – but um, the businesses will need to pick up a bit.

The downtown

The Architecture

May 14 2007

Back In Town – Home from Utah

Posted on May 14, 2007 by Monica

First – Happy Mother’s Day to the Momma’s out there. And to those in the position of mother for anyone.

2nd – You read that right… Utah. My husband and I went to Qwest Training (Impact Training, Utah). We were there May 9th through the 12th and came home on the 13th.

I’ll share a tidbit of my experience to you: OH MY GOODNESS! It was without a doubt – the most amazing training I have received to date in my life.

To Date you ask? Why yes…. because I’m going on to the 2nd training next week called Summit. And from what I hear it will give me even more to learn.

Because my experience was of a personal nature I won’t go into details… Suffice it to say, I’m looking at my life in a wonderful way.

I deserved it.

For information, pleast goto Impact Trainings’ Website.. (www DOT impacttrainings DOT com)

Night Night and Love and Light,

Monica (FEELING wonderful)

Apr 28 2007

Roses For Me

Posted on April 28, 2007 by Monica

Roses For Me
Happily updated by: monicaford.

I was at a client’s on the 23rd of April, and I heard someone up front calling out. No one was there, so I thought I’d be the receptionist for the moment.

When I walked out there I saw roses and a delivery person. I told him I’d be more than happy to deliver them to the lucky lady and low and behold the lucky lady was me!

Daniel does things sometimes that are out of the blue. It’s those times that remind me how wonderful my husband is.

May you have a wonderful day, and I hope someone tells you or shows you how wonderful you are as well! If not, let me be the one to say – You are special.

Oh Fer Cryin' Out Loud

… I get to have it all …

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