Posts Tagged ‘children’

This is a bit of a rant, a bit of praise and a bit of frustration.  You see I have four children.  One, is living with his mother, he’s my step-child and I do only what a step-mother does – I love him and offer assistance when requested.  The other three are my responsibility.  One of which is 19 and in college and working.  Her father is taking care of that end – paying for college.  She doesn’t live with me.  So that narrows it to 2 I’m directly responsible for education wise.

My children – up until this year – have been enrolled in the normal public school system.  James is a senior (leaving to serve our great country as a Marine in June 2009), and the other is Stephen a junior in high school.  That’s 11th and 12th grade students in a public NORMAL California high school.  That is the number one issue – public school.

Now I hear many say the school systems are great.  Normally those are the parents of kids that are in elementary school.  By the time they hit junior high, I don’t seem to hear that much more.  Because, they (our California public schools) are not great.  Not in my opinion – and not the schools I’ve personally had any connection to.  They are overcrowded, understaffed, under budgeted… just plain under everything.

Let me make one thing clear – teachers as a whole are NOT in my category of issues.  These folks work for our children with what seems like all odds against them.  I would not begin to put them down.

James, my 12th grader – has exited out of normal high school this year and is in what is called an “Independent High School” program.  This means he meets with a teacher once a week and gets work handed to him and he has one week to complete it.  Or not.  This is an independent program.  If you don’t do the work, you are out.  Period.  So James, who didn’t do a BIT of work in the past two years, now is fully in charge of himself to learn what is needed and turn in his work.  Here starts one issue.  If he didn’t do the work before, how would he now?

I didn’t get involved in the kids schooling much.  I know, say what you must – but I didn’t.  Single mom, three kids – I was lucky to be home on time to pick them up from daycare let alone oversee hours of homework.  I would pick them up, get home and continue to work from home.  So not much guidance if any from me.

Now, James has to makeup a years worth of work – plus his senior work.  Again, this is a child that didn’t do anything in school to begin with!  Now, he’s having to double his work.  Hmmmm.

As of two weeks ago I was starting to get calls from his teacher – “James is doing poorly, he’s behind… etc. etc. etc.”.  Funny, his report card just came in with a B+ average.  So what happened?  He went back to how he normally does stuff.  He just doesn’t do it.

Well, I finally took charge.  Why now you ask?  After years of not doing a thing?  Because it’s all he’s got.  If he doesn’t graduate his military entry will be postponed.  Then, as usual – he’d fall down on himself and feel poorly and get himself even further behind.  I know my son.

Today, he met with his teacher for the normal one hour and turned in his work.  He’s got a TON left to do before next Friday’s meeting as I’m getting him caught back up and back on track.

Basically, he’s home schooled.  Not entirely, but that’s what it boils down to.  The plus side is… he’s home schooled.  No more gangs, no more girls, no more teachers screaming (yes, it’s happened).  But he’s got a long way to go this week to get back on track.

Now, enter my other child – Stephen.  He is bi-polar, rages at times, and is generally a to-himself kinda kid.  According to his doctors the last two hospitalizations were due to stress at school (bullies, deadlines etc.) and they have recommended he get out of the normal public schools as there is really no adults there to manage bullies – which is his biggest issue.  Great.  So Stephen is going to the same Independent program now as Jim.

That’s two at home doing schooling.

I work.

We can do this.

Who do I blame?  No one.  To have the kids out of the public regular high school is a huge plus to me.  The amount of drama, fights and lack of guidance only lays way to issues.  Many issues as our family has had to go through since junior high school.

The issue I see with my younger one is – if it was up to him, he’d stay away from any social type situations forever.  He’s not a people person.  Well, he’s not a mean people person and at their ages there are a lot of those.

I don’t know folks… James will be okay now that I have a handle on things, but Stephen?  How do I assist a depressed bi-polar child by keeping him at home?  I think I’m going to go onto the home schooling sites and see what kind of things we can do to get him out of the house.  I can’t believe his doctors think this will be beneficial to him in the long run.  Honestly.

High school is different now.  Much different.

I praise anyone who home schools – at least I know and understand why they don’t want them in the public school system.  It’s a genuine failure in so many ways.  I feel like somewhere with all of the “universal healthcare” and “my company is flopping bail us out” crud – we seem to have completely forgotten the children.  Our future is the kids and they are going to colleges in spite of what they’ve learned in high school – not because of it in many cases.

If you know of any good sites for home schooling, please leave them in the comments.  Stephen could certainly use it!

Thanks for listening/reading to my vent.

Love and Light,

A Momma

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We raise our children in the hopes that no pain will befall them.

I personally cringe when one of my children stubs even a small toe.

To see our children in pain feels like an unjust thrust upon us from the Universe.

We know that cry when they are small, it’s not a whine or complaint – it’s the “mommy I need you now” cry.

What about when they are teens?

The teen “cry” is different.

At times it is almost mute, and you have to listen intently to hear their cries.

My son has once again cried out and has now been hospitalized.

Again.

This time last year he attempted suicide bringing the family to a stillness I never want to re-live.

This time, he reached out for assistance before the overdose, cutting and police SWAT team that we lived through last year.

I know in my heart this is simply something my son gets to go through.

As his mother, I can tell you with ever breath I take – I do not like it one bit.

Why couldn’t it be that they could just go through life with love, peace and happiness?

I suppose, that wouldn’t be life here would it?

Teen suicide is ridiculously high.  I even hear some folks joke about it – I’m not sure I get the joke.  Nor do I wish to.

He was diagnosed last year with Bi-Polar with Psychotic Episodes.  His medication has been working up until now – or apparently 3 weeks before now as we are finding out.

As his mom, I would just like to ask the Universe to let him be.

Let him feel calm, still, and happy with himself.

I’ll be on and off for a bit, this blog is – after all – a source of my therapy.  Don’t wig out if I’m still cheery, I just had to get some of it off my heart in this post.  My outlook on all things in life is positive.  Even those things that seem to pull my heart right out of my chest.

He’ll come home happy and healthy as he did last time – I just know it.

Love and Healing Light to all of you ~ Monica

My Son Stephen 2007-09-28

Update on Stephen 2007-10-07

Stephen June 2007

////

My son has requested that I place his writings up on my site for my readers to comment on or at least read.  He’s a heavy writer, and it seems that journaling while he’s hospitalized feels good to him.  Although I haven’t read it yet, I’ll see what I can do to set up a page for him and either type exactly as he has it, or I’ll perhaps place portions of it up.  I’ll post here when I create it.

(photos and graphics other than my son were found from Photobucket – just type “teen”)

I’m 40, and I don’t feel old.  Old would be 90 perhaps.  Not 40.

I smoke, have for a long time.  Disgusting, I know.  But I smoke.

On Friday, a first happened for me.  I was called “The Mean Ugly Old White Lady” by 3 children and their father.

Here’s how that went.

I was standing in a handicap parking lot space outside of the hotel (the Friday night fun night!) instructing my hubby on where the night of mystery was gonna be and what to do when he got there.  (It was a blow your socks off night!  Well planned out, I might add).

I was standing in the parking space because I was outside of the hotel having a cigarrette chatting on the phone.  If I smoke, I do it more than 20 feet from the door, in California there are laws on where to smoke.  I understand and abide by them happily.

After my phone call I looked up and noticed a Mercedes Benz with it’s blinkers on clearly waiting for me to move out of the space their were trying to pull into!

Ooops!

I hurry out of the way and made sure I was quite a bit away from the car.

Out popped three little kids with their hands over their faces.  I didn’t notice as I was yelling at the dad “Goodness, I’m sorry.  I completely zoned!”.  Smiling my usual smile and waving at him in apology.

Things happened a bit quick from there.

He said:  Yeah, well we are more concerned about your smoking.

Me: My what? (not sure if I heard him right, I’m quite a bit aways from them)

He said:  Hurry kids, get away from her and run to the door!  (not kidding here, he sounded like I had a gun)

Me:  Um…. (remember, I’m pretty far from them and they are entering a hotel with smoking rooms ~ so they aren’t getting to safety runnin’ inside of there!)

He said:  Cover your face kids!

Me:  Okaaaaay (I backed up even further, although the smoke was going the opposite direction of them – all I could do is watch while the kids covered their faces, but stuck their tongues out at me yelling “gross” “she’s gross” “daddy hurry up!”)

He said:  Yeah well (turning to me) they teach them this in school (almost, although not quite, apologetically)

He brought the kids inside after they gave me dirty looks and he just laughed and encouraged them to look at the gross smoking lady.

I was dumbfounded.

Not at the fear of smoke, although – that’s a bit over the top.  But I get that, if they don’t like it now maybe they won’t pick up the filthy habit.

But at the fact a parent did not reprimand their child for treating a human, a perfect stranger, like dirt.  I’ve seen it happen around me and it disgusts me.  But to really pay attention to the little ones that night, it hurt my heart that beautiful souls are being taught at such a young age that being mean to someone is okay and simply part of your day.  That left me in disbelief at the door. It’s only the beginning for these little ones I’m afraid.

As I walked upstairs thanking myself for raising children that don’t see race, physical limitations, or anything out of their norm as something they use against people – I heard the family through the door and stopped for a moment just outside.

The kids were telling their mum I suppose of the event.  But what I heard was this:

The dad was agreeing “yup!” after everything each of the kids were saying.  The mum was saying “I should go down there and kick her butt (different word used).”

The children were telling a tale of a “Mean.  Ugly Old White Lady downstairs smoking at the door and not letting them in.  She was blowing smoke at these poor little kids.  This Mean Ugly Old White Lady was giving them dirty looks and threatening them.”

Oh.  My.  Gosh.

She promptly said she was calling the manager and complaining about the Mean Ugly Old White Lady and the kids were happy and yelling “yeah!”.

The father never corrected their story.  He laughed and described how ugly I was.  I’m not joking.

I’m left with being the Mean Ugly Old White Lady at the Holiday Inn Express.

With all of my in-depth life pondering, I’ve been reading a lot about our “Ego” mind.  I won’t go into details – but for me, the “Ego” mind is that voice in my head that tells me:

• You shouldn’t be a victim you are strong
• You shouldn’t let others “walk” over you
• You are a mother, sister, wife, daughter (whichever role I need to be at the moment)
• You’re fat (LOL – oh I despise my ego at these moments)
• Don’t let anyone hurt you (harm you, embarass you, etc.)
• You are RIGHT they are WRONG (in whatever it is I’m arguing at the moment)

It’s not a mean voice per say, not normally – but it talks to me and makes sure I know what to do or not do in any situation.

Ofcourse, I’m not alone.  All of us have that voice.

When I began this journey of “self-discovery” some time back, I really thought it wouldn’t be that great of a leap to get where I “needed” to be to be enlightened.  Funny, it’s even less than I thought.  Just be aware of that “Ego” and what it’s directing at the moment.  Once you are aware of it, in this moment – well, what hold does it have on you?

There is much much much more to this ofcourse.  As I ponder these things I’ll jot them here for your amusement, questions and comments (which I love!).

Meanwhile, I leave you with this – does a small child have the “Ego” mind?

My thought, of course it does.  Maybe just not reinforced until their parents give them direction on how to use it.  Some of it, they get all on their own.  Example:

• You are being impolite (ego goes through and catalogs that for later use)
• You are a big girl now (the little one’s role shifts to a new one)
• Grow up, act your age – (same thing, role changes)
• Set a good example for your younger siblings (view of self grows)

I’m not saying this is Bad, Wrong, or Horrid – I’m just saying, our lives are made up as our “Ego” grows.

I’ve been actively paying attention to mine as of late.  It seems most of what I’ve been angry at or sad, or depressed etc. is because of that voice that tells me things should be a certain way. When I am in the moment and I am aware of my “Ego” – it’s much simpler to get by without getting so emotionally drained at every single thing!

Wouldn’t it be neat if the little ones knew this and had their “Ego” in awareness?

What are your thoughts on the “Ego” mind?

On the back of my September 2008 Yoga Journal Magazine, there are tons of different reflections.  One such reflection caught my attention and as I giggled a bit I thought I’d share through a bit of digital art.

Children Are

Chalky Dance
Happily updated by: monicaford.

During the San Rafeal Art Street Painting Festival – there were children coloring on the street with chalk. When then were done, some were quite messy. But still beautiful.

This little ballerina didn’t mind the chalk on her little hands and feet at all and decided it would be just as nice to dance.

I did ask her momma if I could take this photo for my blog – she was kind enough to share her ballerina with me and with you.

Oh to be young.

According to Wikipedia marriage is:

“Marriage is a personal union of individuals. This union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is called a wedding and the status created is sometimes called wedlock.”

According to Monica, marriage is:

“An agreement by two people (no, I DON’T care if it’s same sex fer cryin’ out loud!  that dispute is getting old to me… sheesh):

• combine assets,
• allow the other full access to your heart (yes, even the potential to hurt one another),
• publicly announce you are taken (jeeze, this one was like putting out an announcement in the paper – or maybe we should have),
• to love the other one – even when you are angrier than a bull getting messed with by a guy with a red blanket,
• to not leave or announce DIVORCE ’cause you just can’t take it anymore
• to respect eachother’s lives (yes, we actually DO still have our own lives)
• to deal with the other’s families, even if you aren’t sure why they do what they do (not my hubbies family ofcourse)

to learn, to love, through sickness and health – ’till death do us part kinda thing”

So, after having our 2 year wedding anniversary I can say we’ve done all of the above.

What is a marriage that works?  To me, it’s one you keep working on.

I was married once before, so was he.  His lasted longer than mine… mine lasted all of 6 years.  Enough time to have my beautiful children and thank my ex-husband for the time I had with him.  It wasn’t a pretty breakup, but very quiet – we just gave up.

Daniel and I work hard sometimes on our marriage.  He came in to a family – me and three children.  I took on him and his son.  He is a neat freak, I’m messier than all heck.  He is a perfectionist with money… me?  Well… I have some and my kids are fed and I was always able to pay the bills and keep what I had, that’s all that mattered to me.

We are so different in so many ways.  SO many ways.  I talk to my ex-boyfriend once in awhile, he talks to his ex-wife almost daily.  His ex-girlfriend reads my blog, my ex-boyfriend reads my MySpace.

He is a great provider, a wonderful step-father, and great other things. 

So what do I feel today that’s different than when he and I first started this relationship?  I feel secure, happy, and at peace.

There are days when both of us wonder “what next?”.

Today we just get to *be*.

I love my husband and am glad we fought so hard to be together.  We each left people with broken hearts to come together.  They just weren’t the ones we were to share our lives with.

According to Monica ~ Marriage:  A Union of Two Spirits that Chose to Come Together In This Life to Learn with Eachother

~Monica~

I’ve had many “dreams” or “pulls” in my life ~ always towards a life purpose. I have children, one purpose in my life was obviously to be a momma to 3 and a step mom to one. Another purpose was to take Daniel as my husband, there was plenty of Universal Guidance at play with that one (believe me!).

So why have I felt like I haven’t done what I’m supposed to be doing in another aspect of my life?

I’m an accountant and small business adviser. I’m even a database gal too! I own my own business. But does being in that career give me a purpose? No. Sadly, no.

No one is going to be all the better in their “life” if I do their books, banking, or database. They may be able to go home at night without worrying about tasks, but does it contribute to their welfare? Nope. Again, sadly, no.

So what’s missing? I have a huge VOID in my life. I’ll explain a bit of Monica 101 to you.

1) Graduating from High School I was signed up for a 7 year agreement with the Air Force. My scores were high, and I could choose certain career paths. I chose a Security K9 Specialist. That would have meant, (as long as it held), I would get a dog and train for anything… bombs, narcotics, firearms… etc. I was SO completely excited as my date to leave approached. Sadly, again… something happened to get me OUT of the military. I won’t go too much into it, but suffice it to say when I could actually enter – I was 7 weeks pregnant. Doh!

2) After having babies and such I began a massive amount of applications, ride-alongs, testing for Police departments. By that time my brother was an officer, and the two of us would have just been in the same career. Hey, that was right down the same alley and perhaps I could go into investigations for a city or K9 unit! Obviously, that wasn’t the way the Universe decided I should go so a certain issue came up and OUT of that I was.

3) … the here and now – investigating into SAR K9. This is search and rescue K9 team. Completely volunteer!

I’m at #3 now. I’ve contacted the local CARDA chapter and one of the trainers contacted me back and took time with me explaining the different disciplines. The work of being a volunteer Search and Rescue team is quite tough, and the trainings are 2x a week with you and your dog. Not to mention the certifications that are required of course. Red Cross certs, First Responder 80 hour training + ALOT MORE! It takes about 2 years for you and your dog to be “Mission Ready”. It’s a serious commitment to be sure and one I don’t take lightly.

I cannot tell you how completely excited I am about reaching towards this venture and perhaps life long endeavor. I’m going on Sunday with them to a training in the hills and brush nearby. I’ll be bringing my hiking boots, backpack and ever curious mind. I am so completely EXCITED!

I had contacted this group about 7 years or so ago and realized at that time that being a single momma and getting called out for a search in the middle of the night (you KNOW that’s when they happen. ) I’d have an issue with the kids. So I decided with the guidance from the team member that waiting until they were older would be a much better position to be in.

So here I am. Researching everything I possibly can regarding what type of searches I need to be trained for. Happy that my car can get me to Longitude and Latitude coordinates, ’cause that’s how they give out locations for trainings… LOL Phew.

Excitement aside ~ I have been asked for years why this is something I’ve wanted to do. I mean being in the Wilderness perhaps, or at a recent disaster, searching for folks in need – yes Dead or alive by the way. Many friends and family have always asked “why would you do that?”. I have searched for the words to explain and I guess it boils down to ~

For me it would be a privilege to serve others in this way.

As for the dog, they know of breeders for GSDs (German Shepards) which is the breed I’m most interested for this. Although, I keep looking at Sammy and his nose of doom (seriously you cannot hide from this dog!) wondering if it wouldn’t be an idea to see what he’s capable of. Who knows, I’m not at that point yet.

I’ll blog on how it went and if I could keep up!

Love and Light to you and yours,

Monica

I have four children.  At times, each has had hard times.  Each time those times come, I’m a momma and I assist in whatever way I can.  I do this with love. 

I have a child right now that is struggling at an important transitional part of his life.  Because of this, I’m worried… sad… frightened… and above all, my love for him doesn’t fade or flicker one bit.  I stand by him pointing to the direction *I* think would be best for him.  Sometimes he looks to me and follows where I point, other times… he drifts off, searching for the direction himself.

I have been taught, and generally know, our lives are a learning experience.  Those experiences at times, are difficult.  However, the experiences we go through are truly our own.  His life and his learning is his own.  I know this.  It is still difficult watching choices being made that I know will have him struggling (in my own opinion) – uneccessarily.  Again, it’s truly not mine to judge – only to continue to stand steadfast and point in the direction I know will be *easier* for him.

It’s a struggle within myself.  Sometimes I feel like *yanking* him in the direction I’m pointing.  But then, my understanding of life lessons come into play.

There are people that continuously tell me what I am doing seems like I don’t care.  I don’t respond to him as they believe I should.  Advice from others are streamed in a steady wave at times.  I do listen, but I always end up going with what I *feel* is perfect at the time.  I run very much from inner knowing, and unconditional love.  So many people – so many "you aren’t hard enough", "you should just give up", "I can’t believe you’ve let it get this far." 

Luckilly, it’s not drugs.  But it is very important… he’s failing in school.  He just gives up on himself.  Where did he learn that?  Hmmmm…. I think I know.  I could do the "wish I woulda" or "wish I didn’t", but why?  I’m doing what I believe to be perfect for him now.  He’s almost an adult – what else can I do but respond with love, guidance and a certain amount of pressure?

I guess I’m tired of hearing the things others keep saying I’m doing wrong.  I’m tired of the negativity he gets from others.  It just seems to make him give up.  He’ll learn, in the meantime I will do as I know how.  Love him like the momma I am, and pray he hears me when I say he’s perfect.

Love and Light,

~Mon~

(all photos are from photobucket.com)

Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love – marianne williamson

Although some references may not follow my/your beliefs… the solid statement of this "poem" has me in thought.