Archive for the ‘Well Being’ Category

I don’t know who I am right now.

I know my titles “Momma”, “Daughter”, “Wife” and “Friend” amongst other things.  I’m thankful for all of those positions in folks’ lives.  But – who am I?  I go through my day acting perfectly fine – but inside I’m screaming to run.

I get to find me.

This is not me.

This job is not me.

This body I’m in is not me.

So much is not me.

It’s time to find me!

Now…

… where do I start?!

A wonderful thing about having a blog, you can look back to see if there are any trends.  Unfortunately, this “Missing Monica” trend has been going on way too long.

Unbalanced, neither here nor there – this is getting absolutely rediculas and a waste of time.  My time.  From what I can tell I have been out of touch with myself for years now.

Seriously.

This has got to stop!

You’ll never leave where you are – until you decide where you’d rather be

Oh it’s been a full week.  I’m on Facebook playing FarmVille thanks to SUSAN!  LOL  Thanks honey… my cow thanks you.  oh, and my chicken and my bunny wabbit.

Yup, I’m having fun.

Washed my car, had my dad over this weekend and made a friend.  Good weekend to be sure and I’m very thankful.

Now, off to do the clothes!    The cow will have to wait…

::snickers::

“Rub my feet give me something to eat….”

Jim leaves on the 12th.

That’s… 12 days.

12 More days.

A big 1 and 2.

12. Days.

I’m doing okay.

The party is on this Saturday.

Oh who am I kiddin…

For those that don’t know – I have a child that has gone through depression, attempted suicide, told he was Bi-Polar – yadda yadda.  He leads a rough life at times.  But he’s not alone.  There are family members that each have to deal with their portion of his difficulties – mom, brothers, sister… etc.  We all deal with it in ways that are perfect for each of us.

We aren’t alone either, there are many many kids and their families that go through tough spots in life.  The families are sometimes the only ones standing strong for these kids because we know their true beauty and goodness inside.  Others, we find, steer clear because they don’t know how to deal with it.

I am asking that everyone Stumble this post if you do enjoy it – it is the wish of the teen that wrote this that others that may be in the same situation get some reality that they aren’t alone!

The following is a wonderful (tear jerker for me) poem that a teen wrote about his own experience as a brother (a twin brother no less) of a young man that is going through something very close to what my Stephen endures.

The following was given to many just to read, and those that could find themselves in his shoes have been praising the writing.  If you wouldn’t mind getting this out there for this young man (I will not name him unless his mother approves).  He wants others to know they aren’t alone!

It is okay to copy this to give to others, but you cannot copy and use it as your own.  Simply refer back to this post as the originator and that is fine.  Do not publish this unless you receive permission (just email me, I will ask the mother and the boy for you) through this site.

Again, please Stumble this or whatever way you can if you enjoy it.  This deserves to find it’s way to those that will benefit.

You Have To Be His Brother To Understand

What is it like to feel anger, broken-heartedness, and love at the same time?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to watch your brother constantly hurt your mom,
And feel no remorse,
Because he hardly understands what he’s doing at the time?
what is it like to have to sit there, and remain silent,
All while you witness both people suffering?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to see someone close to you,
Having already flown as high as they can get
Or so it seems?
Professionals say he can’t go any further,
But you pray to God he can.
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to witness someone you love,
Hurt to the point of tears because he feels he can’t make it?
What is it like to feel so much pain your body, heart, and mind,
Can hardly take it because you see your own brother’s life in shambles?
What is it like to hear people call your brother stupid?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to be the privileged brother,
Yet you watch his life spiral downward,
All as teachers have given up on him,
Saying he won’t amount to anything in this world,
Because he has trouble reading?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to have many true friends,
But your brother has next to none,
So he feels alone, even though you share yours,
But he knows that, he knows they’re yours,
It kills you because it’s killing him?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to love your brother,
With such a sense of protecting him because of his delicacy,
That your friends call you wrong because, you get angered at the
Slightest thing anyone says about your brother, at the times when
People laugh at him, you want to punch people’s lights out?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to see him depressed as he’s cycling through meds,
And most psychiatrists can’t help him because
they refuse to push aside their pride,
and so you watch him suffer because of their idiotic mistakes,
and it makes you so sad to see this situation unfold before your eyes?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to have the desire to tell him he’ll be o.k.,
He’ll make it no matter what anyone tells him,
He’ll spread his wings and fly much higher than anyone ever anticipated,
He’s always loved and prayed for by many people,
Yet you can’t muster up the courage to tell him because you’re afraid he’ll reject this statement of love?
You have to be his brother to understand.

What is it like to feel anger, broken-heartedness, and love at the same time?
You have to be his brother to understand.

It’s an interesting thing, this online life… we have friends online and when they go “missing” we truly worry.  I’m so sorry to have worried anyone.  I’ve wanted to update, but I have been coming home at night from work and just falling in bed to sleep.

All work no play makes Mon a dull girl.

So, I got this electronic book reader called “Amazon Kindle” and oh my GOSH that’s where any down time has been allocated.  My husband purchased it for me after I went ga ga over it after seeing someone at a restaurant reading from one.

So I’ve read the Twilight series of books which were really good. I saw the movie, but ofcourse that is nothing like the book.  And you can subscribe to magazines and newspapers.  I’ve actually begun to take a lunch time at work when I can and walked out to the park like area around our building – cuddled up and read.  Oh reading… it’s my love.

I’ve been so tired lately. I’m really not sure why. I know I’ve been working alot, but really… it’s no different than before. So why so tired? Oh, yes… no exercise. Duh.

Happy Easter for those that celebrate!  Happy Sunday to those that don’t.

Love and Light my friend.  Now I am off to see what your blogs say!  I am greatful for your comments.  I am greatful I’m in your thoughts.  It means so much to this soul.

Hugs,

While my handsome boy is in the hospital getting some much needed assistance, I’m left with the thought of – “What happens when he comes home?”  Afterall, it sure doesn’t seem safe to me for him to be here at the house alone.

So a friend referred me to a company that places in home caregivers.  Normally, this is for an invalid elder parent or someone that just got done with surgery.  But, my little boy deserves to have some assistance at home.  I deserve to have some piece of mind.

I meet with them on Tuesday to see if there is a fit somewhere.  The person will need to be able to handle a 6′1″ 250lb kid (185.42 cm | 113.40 kilo) if he has a psychotic episode, they will need to understand bi-polar and psychosis disorder.  They’ll need to be okay with a big (kinda) German Shephard.  They’ll also need to be here from 6 AM to 6 PM.  Where do you find someone like that?

I’m sure there is something we can do.  I made it clear to the doctors he cannot come home until we have a safe plan in place.

Speaking of doctors.  Let me tell you a bit about what I go through with these folks.

First, they always like to say the reason he’s going through this is something YOU are doing wrong.  Now, at first – I listened to that and thought I surely must be a horrible parent.  Then, the more I thought about it the more I figured out they truly don’t know what the issue is and the easiest way to put blame somewhere is on the parent.  Now, I’m quite strong minded and strong willed.  Although in the beginning I took everything to heart and beat myself up for it, the more I got into this the more I realized the docs didn’t know as much as they SOUND like they do.

Let me give you an example of this.  His psychiatrist, his therapist and his OTHER doctor all recommended he go on this Independent Study High School Program.  My initial reaction was “You have got to be kidding!  You want a child that is depressed to stay home all day with not interaction with society?  It will make him more depressed!”  Yes, I said just that.  Their response?  “No, this is the best thing for him.  He cannot handle regular high school.”  With that, he was switched to the Independent program against my better judgement.  The psychiatrist that is treating him in the hospital chastised me for putting him into a program with this.  Basically asking what I was thinking, and that because he was depressed placing him in this situation just worsened it.  I let her have it with all the momma guns I have:

“You people are completely guessing at crap aren’t you?”  ” I put my child there because folks that have the SAME degree as you said it was the best for him while I argued it wasn’t!”  “You people are guessing!”

They are you know.  Mind you, they do know alot more than me.  But when it comes to my child – I’ve learned a year and a half later – I KNOW MORE!

I really ripped into that doctor.  They were saying it was the environment that was causing this.  Yeah, okay – you are right – a loving home is a horrid thing to live in.  I give up.

The doctors will always tell you that you are doing something wrong.

I ended that discussion saying that I’ve figured them out, they know nothing – they are guessing and that from now on they will listen to me.

::sigh::

They want a fight?  I’ll give them one. This is my baby – he’s struggling like there is no tomorrow and I’ll be d*mned if I allow these doctors to continue to play guessing games with my child’s life.

They get to get to the bottom line.  What is the issue?  Obviously the medication doesn’t work.  Not any of them.  They work for a bit then he crashes hard.  Argh.

Okay, I’m done venting about the docs for a moment.  But I get to go to see them tonight and I’ll be fighting again if that’s what it takes.

Now – I need to find Mary Poppins on steroids.

Love and Light,

Mon

Okay, not really.

But I cannot for the life of me CALM DOWN enough to go to sleep.  What is UP with this?  I did just get a job offer today!  So my mind is going like a mad woman trying to get it all together.  The money, the benefits, getting the kids to/from school, kids homework (they are mostly home schooled), long hours working (yes, this is the case – the *job* has a possibility of travel – and definately loooong hours).

So many things in my head.

Oh I cannot sleep.

I even just got done writing in my journal-journal. You know, the kind you really use a pen and write in?  Yes, I actually still have one of those.  I can’t tell ya’ll everything ya know.  Well, close to it…

Oh someone hit me over the head! 

Okay, that’s it – it’s tea time (decaf ofcourse).

I’m gonna go do some night work out in the sanctuary – very dark in there, and well… if I fall asleep, I might have a racoon or something on my lap.  With my luck it will be a frog or three.

ARGH

Need.  Sleep.  Now.

The last post I did I said my hubby had a surprise for me.  He certainly did!

I was instructed to be in my car at 9:00 AM on Thursday and call him for further instructions.

I called as I was pulling out of the driveway and he told me to go to my best friend’s house and to find her.

Find her?

Was this a scavenger hunt?

No!

I got there and my Dawn (my bestest friend), her momma (Doris – from New York), and her brother’s wifey (Renee – also from New York) were there waiting for me.  Here’s the gist!

My honey paid for me, and part of Doris and part of Renee to go to a Spa in Calistoga!  We went Thursday, spent the night there and then Friday had – check this out, a MUD BATH, mineral spa, hour massage, and facial!

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

Girls could have no more fun – oh, we did ofcourse tour Calistoga and shop like the ladies we are!

The mud bath was oh so stinky!  Smelled like sulfer and was so HOT!  Dawn and I shared a room and adjoining mud baths and had a few mud tosses at eachother.  Then showed after and got into the mineral spa.  Oh so much heaven!

The massage was to die for!  And the facial?  Oh I was shinin’ – in a good way.

It was wonderful – and for the gals from upstate New York – getting away from the 30 below was a good thing!

I didn’t get to take pics, we were too busy and to stop for photos wasn’t on the overall agenda.  BUT I did get a good one of Dawn, her momma and her sister-in-law!

Are they happy or what?!

We went to the Calistoga Golden Haven Hot Springs.  They treated us like queens and what more can you ask for?  I’d recommend them any day.  I’ve also been to Lavender Hills in Calistoga, very nice as well!  Just in case any of you would like to take a day for a spa treatment!

So that was my surprise.

Today is Doris’ birthday and her and Renee are leaving to New York in the morning.  I’ll miss them both.

Thank you dearest hubby.  You sure know how to treat your lady.

Oh my goodness I don’t feel good…. nope.  Not at all. 

I thought maybe I’d whine here.

Here I am…

… whining.

And Now Sleeping

I have a friend, a bloggy kinda friend – his name is Alex.  He’s absolutely WONDERFUL!  As all of my bloggy friends are.

From his comment just now he’s in the hospital, and I thought if just for a moment we can send him love and healing light (energy, prayers etc.) that would be great – I believe in healing energies.

His Blog is Here:  Alex is Wired

Hope I didn’t embarass you Alex.  But love and light is something we all get to have from time to time.

Please come home soon.

Love and Blessings, Monica