Archive for the ‘Spiritual’ Category

It’s night time, and I should be sleeping. My mind is really racing and I don’t even know about what.

Strangest thing I actually feel alot of fear. Why? Great question. There isn’t any reason. Nothing is happening to have any fear over really.

James will be home with us after this Fruday for 17 days. I’m looking forward to that. So why fear?

Fear about what? I dunno.

I feel very uneasy too. Strange! Why so many whacky feelings?

Want to hear another whacky feeling? I have this urge to run to the hills. Literally get to the mountains. I’ve been looking around at Washington. Why? Another “I don’t know”.

Is it midlife issues? Am I that old.

I don’t know who I am right now.

I know my titles “Momma”, “Daughter”, “Wife” and “Friend” amongst other things.  I’m thankful for all of those positions in folks’ lives.  But – who am I?  I go through my day acting perfectly fine – but inside I’m screaming to run.

I get to find me.

This is not me.

This job is not me.

This body I’m in is not me.

So much is not me.

It’s time to find me!

Now…

… where do I start?!

A wonderful thing about having a blog, you can look back to see if there are any trends.  Unfortunately, this “Missing Monica” trend has been going on way too long.

Unbalanced, neither here nor there – this is getting absolutely rediculas and a waste of time.  My time.  From what I can tell I have been out of touch with myself for years now.

Seriously.

This has got to stop!

You’ll never leave where you are – until you decide where you’d rather be

I absolutely love this song.

I do hope you enjoy.

“Go with her flow with her… be everything you can be.”

Unchain your heart Ladies!

I have said a few times here on my blog I’m not Christian.  For whatever reason I always feel the need to say that.  Although I’m not sure why.  I was born and raised Catholic (my cousin was a Sister – nun), and my relatives on my mom’s side were very religious.  We didn’t follow it much.  But that’s not the story here.

When I was a teen I really got into the whole Church thing – there was a local church that had a really good teen program and I completely loved going.  Although, it didn’t feel right that I went and didn’t *convert*.  So I said I was Christian.  Then, after my first marriage went funky – my husband at the time and I did another *convert* to Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormanism).  I loved that church!  They were very family oriented, and in a marriage falling apart that was a breath of fresh air.  Then divorce and a HUGE amount of *stuff* happened and I never went back.

The missionaries with the Church came to me and began attempting to assist me back into the Church.  I so enjoyed them, and the folks at the Church but I just blurted out – “I do not believe I should worship Jesus Christ.  He was a good man, but there are many of those.  I am not Christian.”  And with that – I was done church hopping.

Let me be VERY clear – in no way do I believe anyone’s faith is incorrect for them.  Just because I don’t believe in it doesn’t mean I think everyone is incorrect!  So we are clear on that.  I love everyone.  Period.  But I do have some pretty specific beliefs.    I won’t go into that here.

With all of that – I just ran across “What Do You Believe?” on How’s Bradley’s blog.  I read what he had and went to Belief.net and took the Belief-O-Matic test.  That was pretty neat!  Here are my top five results after the test:

1. New Age (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (96%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (90%)
4. New Thought (83%)
5. Unitarian Universalism (83%)

The funny thing is, I truly have no label.  I guess I can say now New Age and maybe that will make sense to some.  But, no… what I believe in isn’t new.  I’m not sure – so I just say “Non-Christian”. 

What I believe doesn’t have a building to go to on a certain day.  What I believe in isn’t really something with a name – they all seem to fall short.  What I believe in I can’t join a group.  Well, not if I don’t know where they are!

But, hey… it’s my belief and I love it.

Love and Light to all of you of every belief.  I love you tons!

Yes I do.

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The last post I did I said my hubby had a surprise for me.  He certainly did!

I was instructed to be in my car at 9:00 AM on Thursday and call him for further instructions.

I called as I was pulling out of the driveway and he told me to go to my best friend’s house and to find her.

Find her?

Was this a scavenger hunt?

No!

I got there and my Dawn (my bestest friend), her momma (Doris – from New York), and her brother’s wifey (Renee – also from New York) were there waiting for me.  Here’s the gist!

My honey paid for me, and part of Doris and part of Renee to go to a Spa in Calistoga!  We went Thursday, spent the night there and then Friday had – check this out, a MUD BATH, mineral spa, hour massage, and facial!

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

Girls could have no more fun – oh, we did ofcourse tour Calistoga and shop like the ladies we are!

The mud bath was oh so stinky!  Smelled like sulfer and was so HOT!  Dawn and I shared a room and adjoining mud baths and had a few mud tosses at eachother.  Then showed after and got into the mineral spa.  Oh so much heaven!

The massage was to die for!  And the facial?  Oh I was shinin’ – in a good way.

It was wonderful – and for the gals from upstate New York – getting away from the 30 below was a good thing!

I didn’t get to take pics, we were too busy and to stop for photos wasn’t on the overall agenda.  BUT I did get a good one of Dawn, her momma and her sister-in-law!

Are they happy or what?!

We went to the Calistoga Golden Haven Hot Springs.  They treated us like queens and what more can you ask for?  I’d recommend them any day.  I’ve also been to Lavender Hills in Calistoga, very nice as well!  Just in case any of you would like to take a day for a spa treatment!

So that was my surprise.

Today is Doris’ birthday and her and Renee are leaving to New York in the morning.  I’ll miss them both.

Thank you dearest hubby.  You sure know how to treat your lady.

The word *me*, or the word *my*, or the word *I* – it’s just a word in a language that I use.

That may sound outlandish.  Ofcourse me, my, myself, I is – ME!  I’m finding it’s definitely not who you are.  It is a word in a language to associate something, someone, some form with an identifier.

Am I losing *you*?

As of late, I’ve learned about something called *the ego*.  It is what talks to me, what tells me what things are, or what is true, or what is right or wrong – AS *I* PERCEIVE IT.  It’s that voice in my head identifying every living, non-living form on this planet for *me* to understand.  Neurological Bar Coding it seems.

Does *me* fully explain what my BEING is?  Absolutely not.  I am more in depth than a word of two letters.  I am energy, I am light, I am from this universe – I am infinite.  How then could the word *me* begin to explain anything?  It falls so very short of what is the BEING inside of this physical form.

Can you imagine breaking free of the definitions you place on things? It’s possible that you can’t.

Think for a moment if you can be still…..

A tree is:  *Tree* right?  Well, it is energy as well.  It is living (at times), it protects the birds in their nest, it gives you joy when you look at it, it grows from this planet.  Does the word *Tree* begin to define what that form is?  Nope – just sit under one in the shade on a hot day and look at it.  Really look at it.  The word doesn’t BEGIN to define it.

There is so much to learn in this life, and I’m enjoying learning it all.

I’m currently reading “A New Earth: Finding Your Life’s Purpose” by Echart Tolle.  I cannot tell you enough how good this book is thusfar.  Read it, or don’t.  This isn’t an ad.

I’ve written once before requesting my readers to send some good thoughts, prayers, energies… whatever you believe in – to Alex.  Alex is a “Blog Friend” that I have – he went in for surgery in December, but hasn’t woken and is in a coma.  His mother and father are with him I believe.  His younger brother Jay has been wonderful at working on Alex’s blog and keeping Alex’s readers up to date on as much as he knows.

While I’ve never physically met Alex, or his brother or his family or his girlfriend – well, Alex is someone that has commented on my blog – I’ve read his posts and commented to him.  For whatever way we can call someone a friend – I consider him mine.  He’s a young guy and I’m thinking he’ll make it out of all of this but I can tell you I don’t know much else.  I won’t bother his brother much other than to comment when he rights so he knows others are listening to him and what he’s going through.

Alex always posted about seeing the positive in everything.  I believe he’s a strong guy.

Again, I’ve only *met* Alex through the Blogosphere.  But I feel so sad.

Please send Alex and his loving family all the positiveness you can think of for just a moment in your day.  I personally believe we do very well when positive energies (prayers, etc.) are sent our way.

Wake from your sleep Alex – please.

Love and Light,

Monica

Alex’s Blog (Jay is maintaining until Alex can blog again) www.AlexIsWired.com

Sending Love and Light to Alex and Family

Harold Ford 2/19/1938 - 10/27/2007

I didn’t know what else to call this post, but I do have to say I don’t feel like we are completely without him you know?  I always seem to catch a fragrance (smoke), hear a laugh, or something to remind us of him – he’s still very much around.

That’s my belief, take it or leave it – but it’s really a knowing.  Harold loves us mucho.  The old “coot” said he’d haunt us, so why not? 

Harold died of cancer on this day in 2007.  So many of us where effected in so many ways, too many to imagine.

My husband – oh to lose your father, I cannot begin to imagine.

My kids, who only where around him for a few years – were very effected and it broke my heart watching them grieve.

His grandchildren – what can you say to that grief?

Friends, Family – all of us where touched in so many different ways by him.

He’s wasn’t some sweet little old guy though.  Nope.  Well, not on the outside… he was a burly kinda rough Navy kinda guy.  He’s tell you to “kiss off” quite quickly and the next breath laugh his butt off if you tripped and fell.  You just had to shake your head and laugh at him.  He always lived life being truthful to who he was and not worrying what others thought.

I miss you Harold, and as of today… one year after you ditched your 3 dimensional body for a beautiful light spirity one – I have not smoked for over 10 days.  Ha!

I miss you miss you miss you.

So does your son, in such a huge way……

Love and Light,

Your “Honorary Daughter”

For You Harold – A Soft Goodbye

With all of my in-depth life pondering, I’ve been reading a lot about our “Ego” mind.  I won’t go into details – but for me, the “Ego” mind is that voice in my head that tells me:

• You shouldn’t be a victim you are strong
• You shouldn’t let others “walk” over you
• You are a mother, sister, wife, daughter (whichever role I need to be at the moment)
• You’re fat (LOL – oh I despise my ego at these moments)
• Don’t let anyone hurt you (harm you, embarass you, etc.)
• You are RIGHT they are WRONG (in whatever it is I’m arguing at the moment)

It’s not a mean voice per say, not normally – but it talks to me and makes sure I know what to do or not do in any situation.

Ofcourse, I’m not alone.  All of us have that voice.

When I began this journey of “self-discovery” some time back, I really thought it wouldn’t be that great of a leap to get where I “needed” to be to be enlightened.  Funny, it’s even less than I thought.  Just be aware of that “Ego” and what it’s directing at the moment.  Once you are aware of it, in this moment – well, what hold does it have on you?

There is much much much more to this ofcourse.  As I ponder these things I’ll jot them here for your amusement, questions and comments (which I love!).

Meanwhile, I leave you with this – does a small child have the “Ego” mind?

My thought, of course it does.  Maybe just not reinforced until their parents give them direction on how to use it.  Some of it, they get all on their own.  Example:

• You are being impolite (ego goes through and catalogs that for later use)
• You are a big girl now (the little one’s role shifts to a new one)
• Grow up, act your age – (same thing, role changes)
• Set a good example for your younger siblings (view of self grows)

I’m not saying this is Bad, Wrong, or Horrid – I’m just saying, our lives are made up as our “Ego” grows.

I’ve been actively paying attention to mine as of late.  It seems most of what I’ve been angry at or sad, or depressed etc. is because of that voice that tells me things should be a certain way. When I am in the moment and I am aware of my “Ego” – it’s much simpler to get by without getting so emotionally drained at every single thing!

Wouldn’t it be neat if the little ones knew this and had their “Ego” in awareness?

What are your thoughts on the “Ego” mind?

What the heck does “let it be” mean?  Leave it?  Drop it?  What is IT that I have to let be?

I actually know the answer – but there are MANY that do not.

When you are in the midst of a *problem* and it feels severe – your emotions are up, your protection of self is on heightened awareness and yet someone comes along and says with a smile “let it be”.

More than likely you will feel an intense fear, or anger, or confusion.  Someone has just told you to let something that is effecting you on even the cellular level to – simply  – let it be.  What is your reaction?

I’ve witnessed this first hand.  I’ll give an example that is fictitious… a young adult is being fired from a job for something they didn’t do.  They are angry – they’ve lost their job, their pay, and been embarrassed.  They come to you, a friend or family member and tell you of their story.  You respond “let it be”.

Can you feel how deflating that is?

Here is your story, it is powerful and it was meant to have that person sympathize with you or give you a course of action and they tell you “LET IT BE”?

What does that mean?

It’s normal to just fight that, and continue on to the next person to get feedback – the feedback you want.

But to “let it be” is so profound.  The emotions that accompany a problem are intense, ever part of you is screaming to protect who you are.  What if, you let it be as it is.  Simply walk away, find a new job without blinking an eye.  What if being fired you don’t have one negative emotion.  You simply know you get to get another job and you go on your way to locate one.

Letting things be as they are takes a great deal of strength.  Strength to get around the ego that is telling you “this isn’t right”, “they can’t treat you that way”, “so-and-so should’ve said it was them” etc.  You get the gist.

Do you know how simple letting it be is?  Even when it’s a traumatic happening?

Does “letting it be” mean to be without care?  Without drive?  Lazy?  Nope, it just means you live in the moment, take this moment as it is and “let it be”.

Living in the moment works wonders.  Don’t look at the future in fear, nor the past with regret.

Let it be.