Ending of 2012

Posted on

As this year closes, I thought I’d write down my thoughts on it.

Living Location Changes – This year I moved out of the house I lived in for the past 10 years.  I moved across the street to a rental house that the owners loved and were kind enough to offer it to me when they knew I had to move out of my own.  The move was a highly emotional one for me as it was something I was proud of owning, and lost due to finances and divorce.  When the new owners moved into it, I cried hard for about 30 mins then felt refreshed and ready for something new.  No need to look backwards at history, as we aren’t headed in that direction anyway.

Single Life – As my divorce was final in June of 2011, the year 2012 was my first full year after the marriage to be fully single all year.  Sometimes it was lonely, most times it was wonderful not to have to have someone else to plan around.  If I wanted to be a bum and just relax on the weekend looking like “hell warmed over”, then I could.  I didn’t have to “check in” with anyone to see what time they were coming home so I would make sure I was there.  No arguments over money, or lack thereof, with anyone.  My mistakes were my own now.  All of them.  It got lonely at times this year, but I’d always figure something to do about it.  To be quite honest though, I think I need to get out more – I’m becoming a shut in which is my natural tendency.

Work Status – I have been working full time in my own company.  This has been very important as working for the CPA firm I was at was not healthy for me at all.  Long hours, and high stress doesn’t do well for someone that has seizures.  So January 2012 I quit my job at the firm, and went full time on my own.  It’s been wonderful.  My clients are amazing and I’ve been extremely lucky to have them.

My Eldest Child – My daughter and her family are all healthy and happy.  Although my son-in-law is stationed overseas and my daughter is caring for my two grandbabies by herself most of the time, they are doing very well.  She even moved into her own apartment this year and is enjoying her independent living.  She can’t wait for her husband to get stationed somewhere else so the family can go with him.  We all hope that’s soon.  The family should be together.

My Middle Child – James is stationed still in Hawaii.  We don’t see him much and when we do he’s usually in between visiting others.  However, I will take all the time I can with him.  He and Shannon are getting married soon.  I do like her very much and hope to visit them sometime in Hawaii.

My Youngest Child – Stephen has been in college this year.  He also moved out for a few months to be on his own, but came back.  His girlfriend, Jessica, will be going to Humboldt State this coming January and their plans are for him to move up with her about May of 2013.  They are very cute together and Stephen has been very happy.

Relatives – Family otherwise is good.  My cousin is having his surgery today, and I am pretty anxious waiting for a message from his daughters on how he’s doing.  The surgery won’t be done until 1 PM.  So, I just get to wait to hear.  My parents are good, my brother and his family are doing well.  My sis is married and doing fine.  So all others are well and accounted for.  I did find some extended family through my genealogy research and that I truly amazing.  It’s my hobby, the searching for lost relatives and I enjoy it a lot!  I hope to meet them some day.

Upcoming Plans – The next year will bring a move for me to Paradise, CA.  I need to get out of this area, and eventually move domicile states to be able to live ok financially.  California is bleeding it’s residents dry really.  It’s a beautiful state, and I’ve lived here all my life – but when a state can’t balance it’s own budget and keeps taking from the tax payers to cover it’s own lack of spending control, it’s time to jump ship.  So – I’m jumping.  My first step is to get out from under this high rent and house that’s much too large for me.  I’ll be living in a mobile home park for a bit to save money.  My goal after that is to find an RV I can live and work in comfortably (or semi-comfy) and go on the road.  That has always been what I’ve wanted to do/be.  Not tied to anything.  I’m so itchy to get on with that part of my life, but looking at the updated budget, now it seems that won’t be until 2014.  I’m going to see what I can do to do it by the end of 2013, but the plan is pretty locked down financially for 2014.

2013animated1

I’m excited and nervous about the upcoming year.  I’m going to work on my life getting it to be easy and happy, vs. stressed and scared as I am right now.  I am however so very excited for the next year.  The number 13 is a lucky one, so 2013 surely will be as well.

Update – 12/30/12 – As if I spoke too soon.  I got back from the county hospital.  My sister had a mild stroke within the last few days and made it to the hospital last night.  To be honest, in my own life this has placed some extreme urgency into my plans of minimizing, moving and then RVing full time.  I’ve had it with conforming to what we have to do according to society to live and then we die stressed, lonely and broke.  This has all been a huge lie.  The truth of the matter to me is to live my life loving others, loving myself, and giving back to the earth and those I may never even know.  I’m done with negativity.  It’s time to move on… Sis is doing ok, but is being admitted to the hospital for further tests and watching over her.  Goodbye 2012, you’ve been a huge learning experience for me.


1140x395px_LightACandle

So Much Negativity – I Choose Out

Posted on

0smileandkeepmoving

I’m a very loving positive person. I’m also someone that picks up on feelings around me. Most of us do.  For example when you walk into a room and folks are upset or angry, you feel it – it’s a “thick” feeling really.  So right now, with the media reporting so much negativity in the world I’ve taken a step to my own health by turning it off.

I’m not diminishing what’s happening, or being disrespectful to those that are mourning right now – I send them love and light every moment I can.  However, I’m being very cautious in what I take into my heart.  So much pain, suffering, hate and fear is way too much for me.  I don’t want to surround myself in so much negativity.  It gets all over me like walking through a mud bog and coming out muddy.  It’s just going to happen.  So, I’ve turned off the radio.  I don’t have cable TV – I got rid of that months ago thankfully.  But there is one other place that seems to have it – my Facebook.  This makes me sad because it’s the only way that I can keep in touch with my son and son in law when they are away.

PageLines- th_bloww.gif

I figure, I will just not use Facebook while they are home visiting for the next month.  Then, we’ll see if I can keep in touch via Skype or other ways.  There are friends on Facebook though that I am afraid I will lose touch with.  But, I do figure I left my email and this website so they can find me.

I get to bring the peace back in to my heart.  How can I assist others if I’m down?

I personally think there is a sickness happening across the world that is simply getting worse.  I don’t want to be a part of that.  I want to be me.  Happy, Loving, Peaceful – Me.

Zyriana - 7-20-11

Zyriana – 7-20-11

Love and Light to those who visit me here.  This is where I write what I feel.  Since Facebook though I’ve been more on there than here and I don’t think that’s been good for my creativity.

Onward.

Mon


3346109068_a87306f799

Writing Truly Assists

Posted on

With as much happening in my life right now, I am amazed when I come to my blog that it’s not full of updates.  Ofcourse, then I remember – I haven’t updated.  Go figure, no auto life updater for me?  Ha!  They need to get one of those.

I’m on Facebook alot, perhaps because my family is on there and it’s quick and easy to say hello and do a small short status.  However, my life is not a small short status in any way.

I have some huge swings emotionally for many years.  I’m up, then I’m down, then I’m up, then I’m down.  Then, just this past August/September – I never got to the “up” stage.  I would wake early in the morning and realize I had no goal, no desire, no future want or thought.  That scared me more than I could have imagined.  I’ve always been a day dreamer.  You know the kind.  Something new every day it seemed.  Something new to be excited about or look forward to.  But something took a horrid turn and suddenly there was nothing.  No hope, no dream, just a feeling in my “gut” something was terribly off.  I figured perhaps I was depressed and listed all of the issues I’ve dealt with in the past few years:

  1.  Seizures
  2. Out of work on Disability
  3. Son gone into the Marines and deployed now 2x
  4. My beautiful grandma passed away
  5. Divorce
  6. Lost everything financially
  7. The “baby” (20 years old) moved out (now an empty nester)
  8. Quit my job
  9. Started my own business (building takes a bit)
  10. Moved out of my home of 10 years (some truly wonderful times there with my kids).
  11. Went from home owner to “renter”
All of that happened in a roughly 12 month period of time.  Wholly molly.  No wonder my head was spinning like a top!  Now, I have my thankful list:
  1. Built a successful business
  2. Independent
  3. Planning my own future
  4. My three wonderful children are happy and successful
  5. My two beautiful grandchildren are the most wonderful little spirits I could have ever asked to be a grandma to
  6. I’m SINGLE!  No one telling me what I can or cannot do.  Whoot!
  7. I can go anywhere, anytime (with reason) and not have to worry about a 40 hour a week job I have to be in a cubicle to do.  I can take my work with me wherever I go!
  8. The world is my oyster, I can travel and see whatever I wish (yes, again with reason $$)
  9. Financially things are picking up!
  10. Dreams, goals and a vision of what I want are/is just starting – clean slate.
  11. My momma and papa are happy and healthy and doing good
  12. My brother and I are working on our relationship
  13. My cousins and I are getting closer
  14. I’m totally 100% in control!
Yes, the good and positive outweighs and basically “kicks to the curb” the trials I’ve been through.  How exciting is that?  I’m not saying I don’t struggle.  I do.  But wow am I a strong person.  I’m grateful for who I am and what I am becoming.  Thank you Universe for giving me the strength to see through the darkness and bring in the light.  It’s my journey and I’m making it!
Now I’m sitting in my house where it is quiet and it’s just me.  I’m so excited to find out who I am.  I’m learning.
xoxo
Zy

 


What Lies Within

Posted on

I have a fire inside and it’s burning it’s way through to my spirit.

It’s a beautiful fire, one that has promised to propel me to my desires.

I don’t have time for drama.

I don’t have time for excuses.

My time is my own, and is spent working on my purpose -

“To serve, Empower and Love Others”.

You can have results or excuses – but you can’t have both.


My Current Frequency

Posted on

I believe we have frequencies.  Each of us.  Maybe something you hear a sound is like “nails on a chalkboard”; that isn’t your frequency.  I have many songs that “pull” me.  But this one song is something I hum all day every day for weeks now.  It’s my current frequency. I don’t know how else to explain it.

When I listen to the music, I feel so at peace and happy.  To my core.  So I play it again and again.

Enya – Boadicea

Enjoy.

 


0PaulBettanyPriest

It’s a Beautiful Day – Rapture-less

Posted on

I saw the movie “Priest” and I’m officially in Lust with the character, “Priest”.  No.  Seriously.  I can’t help it, I was made this way. 

 

I’m not going there on the whole “Rapture” end of the world thing. But thought I’d stick it in my title to remember what funky theories were running on this day.

It’s a day of inner viewing. Usually when I do this I crank up some music that seems to assist with whatever segment of myself I’m viewing. Today, it’s an interesting segment. It’s the dark. We have dark and light in my opinion. Currently, I’m in the dark – which for me is beautiful.

Listening to Disturbed. Here’s some lyrics for a song I keep playing over and over:

Disturbed / I’m Alive

Never again will I be dishonored
And never again will I be reminded
Of living within the world of the jaded
They kill inspiration, it’s my obligation

To never again, allow this to happen
where di I begin? The choices are endless
Denying the sin, my art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
there will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
to change myself, I’d rather die, though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice, you can’t predict
Where the outcome lies, you’ll never take me alive
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive

Change again, cannot be conisdered
I rage again, dispelling my anger
where do I begin? The choices are endless
My art, my redemption, my only salvation

I carry the gift that I have been blessed with
My soul is adrift in the oceans of madness
Repairing the rift that you have created
I am not alone, brothers, give me your arms now

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I’d rather die, though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice, you can’t predict
Where the outcome lies, you’ll never take me alive

I’m no slave, are you feeling brave?
Or have you gone out of your mind?
No more games, it won’t feel the same
If I hold my anger inside

There’s no meaning, my soul is bleeding
I’ve had enough of your kind
One suggestion, use your discretion
Before you label me blind

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I’d rather die, though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice, you can’t predict
where the outcome lies, you’ll never take me alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive

 

The day is good.  The music is soothing to my soul.  Enjoy your weekend.  I’m enjoying my “dark” side for a bit. 

 


Love Yourself

Goals For a Life Change

Posted on

Love Yourself

The title is goals, but this post is about one goal that I’m going to hit today!  I had a goal of 5 consecutive days at the gym.  Today, I will have hit that goal!  I came up with it last week as part of my life change.  I’m extremely overweight – ok, to me I am.  It’s not healthy.  More than that, I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  Blech!  So – I want the gym to be part of my normal daily routine.

I actually get up in the morning this past week looking forward to walking through the doors at the gym.  I’ve never been a gym person, but have always had a membership – I’m one of those!

There is a contest I entered called the “Biggest Winner” at the gym.  It is a contest to see who can lose the most body fat in 90 days.  I figure I’ll win either way.

As of today I’ve lost 6 lbs. since Monday.  That’s easy enough as I fluctuate 5 lbs. here or there.  Once I hit a loss of 15 lbs. I’ll be feeling like things are coming along.

So – my goals are 23% Body Fat, 135 lbs. and tone and definition.  I’ve had that before, but I was doing martial arts and running.  Since I haven’t been doing anything physical really for over 10 years, my body has changed into something I’m actually quite embarrassed of.  But, hey, that’s ok.  We are beautiful no matter what size we are – that I believe.  However, I’m very capable of getting to where I used to be – so I’m gonna go for it!

Currently my stats are:

38.5% Body Fat and weight started at 178 lbs.  Not healthy for me at all.  Nope!

I have 15.5% Body Fat to lose and 43 lbs. to lose.  And – alot of resistance training, cardio and YOGA to do.

Off to the gym in a few hours!


light-dark

Life Change

Posted on

I’ve repeated the words “Life Change” so many times that I’m left wondering – does anyone that I’m talking to really know what I mean?  More than likely – no.  How could they?  Not many even know who I really am.  Deep inside, the person I truly am so few know.

How could anyone know me?  After all, I haven’t given anyone the opportunity to know me.  My family and select friends excluded, I am not “real” around anyone.  Let me explain a bit – since I confuse myself with the prior sentence.

When someone calls and talks to me about their kids, interests, work etc., I find myself agreeing with them, listening to them or doing whatever it takes to assist them.  For some strange reason, I make sure that person gets the “healer” Monica.  There are times when I’m in a conversation and I decide it’s too negative for me, for my spirit.  Do I tell them the truth?  No – I continue to engage them in their conversation and do what I can to assist them.  That isn’t being genuine.  It’s very fake.  I don’t mean any harm, I only want the person to feel good or to perhaps see a different way through their trouble.  If I’m engaging only to assist someone else, and taking the time away from me – and then getting upset about the lost time over something I’m not even interested in – well, that’s fake.   It’s also very wearing on my spirit.

To be very honest here, I don’t realize I’m doing it.  I focus completely on that person and get so tied up in their emotions, that *Monica* goes out the window.  That’s what I’ve done in my marriage as well.  I wasn’t honest with my husband, or myself about my wants, desires or issues.  Of course, a marriage with lies does not bode well.

So what is this life change?  It’s many things.  It does start with me.  Monica.  I get to spend the time and energy on Monica.  The majority of my adult life has been spent seeing to others needs, now it is truly my time.

One thing for sure, if I’m not blogging I’m not taking care of me.  This blog is my humble abode on the web.  It is going to get personal, so the majority of my posts are not public at this time.  It’s my journal for me.

I’ll be sure to post some public things, but personal – Monica stuff gets to stay personal.  I’m sure *you* understand.

Love this life and live this life because as I see it, this is the only time you will live this particular life.

~Monica~


Feelings

Posted on

It’s night time, and I should be sleeping. My mind is really racing and I don’t even know about what.

Strangest thing I actually feel alot of fear. Why? Great question. There isn’t any reason. Nothing is happening to have any fear over really.

James will be home with us after this Fruday for 17 days. I’m looking forward to that. So why fear?

Fear about what? I dunno.

I feel very uneasy too. Strange! Why so many whacky feelings?

Want to hear another whacky feeling? I have this urge to run to the hills. Literally get to the mountains. I’ve been looking around at Washington. Why? Another “I don’t know”.

Is it midlife issues? Am I that old.


Feeling a Change

Posted on

I don’t know who I am right now.

I know my titles “Momma”, “Daughter”, “Wife” and “Friend” amongst other things.  I’m thankful for all of those positions in folks’ lives.  But – who am I?  I go through my day acting perfectly fine – but inside I’m screaming to run.

I get to find me.

This is not me.

This job is not me.

This body I’m in is not me.

So much is not me.

It’s time to find me!

Now…

… where do I start?!

A wonderful thing about having a blog, you can look back to see if there are any trends.  Unfortunately, this “Missing Monica” trend has been going on way too long.

Unbalanced, neither here nor there – this is getting absolutely rediculas and a waste of time.  My time.  From what I can tell I have been out of touch with myself for years now.

Seriously.

This has got to stop!

You’ll never leave where you are – until you decide where you’d rather be