All posts by Monica

Just a woman loving life and thankful for every moment I have!

And the Phone Rings

Our house phone rang – but I was in the middle of a billion numbers spread across a gazillion columns inter-connected via very detailed formulas spread across a bagillion rows and countless cells -I did not answer, and let the old fashioned answering machine thingy pick up. Hey, better to listen to the message than restart my calcs… No voice, they hung up and immediately called back. Yeah – no. Then that person calls my cell – yeah, No! This went on for about 15-20 mins. I knew who it was – there was no emergency – so, losing ALL track of what I was doing I get totally ticked off.

Normally – I am very level headed. However, every little ring did it’s number on me.

So – I’m done.

I live by love and light – and I surround myself in positive energy.  I get that she is somehow mentally ill.  I do get that – so I’m trying to be sensitive, but she’s emotionally harming the children and my love.

I guess I need to let the authorities handle it now.  She’s moved into “strange” and has both feet into stalker / obsessed.

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Almost a Year

The first that I sent Wayne a message was February 11, 2013. Although we had said small things to each other on Facebook, we hadn’t directly communicated back and forth for over 30 years. But coming up, it will be a year that has gone by since I decided to let him know his kind words on my photos had made me feel good.

Our actual anniversary of deciding to be with only each other is March 17th. St Patricks Day :). I love him more than I thought I was capable. He’s brought so much love and happiness to me.

I love you Wayne. Thank you for being a man I respect and love. Thank you for being my protector and my Knight.

You are loved.

Wayne and Julian

It’s Been Awhile

There are literally 877 posts from the year 1998 to 2013 on this website.  You cannot see them, as I’ve changed the majority to “Private”.

You ~ “Why would you do that?”

Because sometimes, I made “gut” decisions and just run with it.  So – we are going to just run with a minimal site for a bit.  Yeah, I know that didn’t answer your question at all.  Oh well.  I will make posts public as I go through them.  There are sometimes I just feel like being Private.  Well, at least I want my past years to be Private for now.

Onward…

I haven’t written since October of last year actually.  As usual, my normal life ADD kicked in and, well – no blogging.  I update my Facebook I suppose, but that’s not truly what I enjoy.  I enjoy writing, not short blurbs about what kind of day I’ve had.  Blogging for me is kind of a therapy.   I get to write down my thoughts and then move on.

Wayne moved in quite awhile ago.  I feel strange.  Like we were never really apart for 30 years.  But of course, feeling that way doesn’t wipe out the fact that we were.  Both of us had others in our lives, for whatever purpose that served.  Both of us each has 3 amazing children – non of which were with each other.  6 Kids between us and who knows how many grandchildren and great grandchildren we will have.  That’s a life worth looking forward to.

We are very lucky to have found each other again.  I’m very thankful.  The two of us were at the points in our lives where we were available,  and either ending a relationship – or simply not in one – so it seemed to be that it was meant to be.  Good timing.  Pretty lucky.  In March, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary of entering into a relationship that was to be with each other, and no other.  I’m sure time will fly from here.  I just hope to slow time down and enjoy every moment I have with him.

We have had a recent loss in that last Thursday, January 9th – Wayne’s daddy passed away in an auto accident.  Such a tragedy, such a sadness for his family.  I’m glad I got to meet him before he left this earth.  I’m not sure what else to say about something so sad.  So perhaps I’ll post a photo of his dad and him when he was little.

Father and Son

Father and Son (Fidel and Wayne)

I wanted to write more, but fell out of the mood.

Goodnight ~ Sweet Dreams

 

 

Missing Wayne

I miss Wayne.  I always miss him when he’s not by my side.  Needy and clingy is what I would normally call that.  Except with him it isn’t a negative feeling.  Just a matter of fact feeling.  Like driving without your sunglasses and wishing you had them with you.  Or, missing a limb…  Not that I would know, but I bet it is close to that….

First Love and Last

oneday

There was a time in my life that I wasn’t so guarded with my heart. A time where I could genuinely love, fully and completely. I was young, and hadn’t had a heartbreak yet. At that time I didn’t have walls up to guard my heart. I just lived and felt emotions as they came. Of course, I was young.

Over the years I did endure a broken heart or two and learned to protect my heart. I built walls like a lot of us do, to make sure the pain of losing someone didn’t sear through me like a hot poker. It was during that time I became harsh and mean. I wasn’t mean to everyone, just those who hurt me or hurt others. It was like I was on a mission to give back to others what they dealt out. I was very good at it, and left the heart breakers and bullies wishing they never crossed me. My own personal mission to dish out what they gave out. I guess I assumed I was other’s karma. It wasn’t a nice thing to do, but I wasn’t trying to make friends.

I’ve been asked if I ever truly loved. If I have ever openly loved and felt without being guarded. It did happen once. To be very honest, I had buried those memories pretty well. After all, the memory of it was painful. The memory of the end of it that is. So as with everything else that hurt, I hid it even from myself.

It’s come back into my life again. Maybe because I sent the question out to the universe and the universe answered. I wrote a post here on 7/20/11 titled “Heart In Jeapordy“. I asked if I could at least try to love and be loved. Another post on 7/18/11 titled “Unrequited Love” posed this question:

Could you imagine if you wanted someone so badly, kept it to yourself and in some fairy tale moment your knight or princess shows up to tell you their secret “they’ve loved you all along”. Great ending for a story, don’t you think? Reminds me of first love.

I had no idea how close to my future reality those very words would come to be. I had no idea that something I considered “in some fairy tale moment” could actual happen in my life.

I’ve wondered what is wrong with me. I have wondered this for the majority of my life. Why can I love my family and children 100% with no holding back, but when it comes to the men that I enter a relationship with I won’t fully truly love. Now, I wouldn’t have imagined that I was holding back at the time. When I married I knew I loved them, but I didn’t allow my heart to be 100% open to either of my ex-husbands. I didn’t realize it until after the marriage was over and it didn’t hurt. How could it not hurt? Why was I not devastated over the breakup? Because it didn’t truly hurt. I was at peace with both divorces. Now that’s not a bad thing at all, but it also means that I never gave myself to either of them completely. There was no feeling of loss. I feel very ashamed that I didn’t realize that. Now I know.

There was a first love for me.  It was in Jr. High School – at the age of 14.  A boy, about my height with thick black wavy hair and eyes that were so intense I had to look away.  I would try to look at him without him noticing, only to see him sometimes looking at me.  I don’t remember everything, I’ve blocked it all very well.  What happened was described to me by him.  I only have some memories of it yet, but what I do remember is the feelings associated with him.  There was this “pull” to him.  This feeling like I wanted to get closer.  It was unnerving really.  Butterflies in my stomach and I remember not being able to breathe when I thought of him.  At 14 I had found someone that made me daydream in class and at home.  What would it be like to be in his arms?  Or to kiss him?  At 14 there was no inside voice saying “let him come to you so you don’t put yourself out there to get hurt”.  The voice inside was saying “get closer”.  So I did.

He was leaning against a wall with others near him.  I walked up to this boy, grabbed him with both hands chest level and pulled him to me (a bit harshly actually), then proceeded to kiss him full on the lips; and then push him back into the wall – and walked away.  Yes.  I kissed this boy and then walked away from him to leave him thinking about it.  At 14 apparently I had no fear, or at least didn’t allow it to stop me.  Much bolder than I am now.  I guess it was that pull to him that made me feel that I could do as I wished, no matter what the end result.

He and I became boyfriend and girlfriend.  I remember a few things.  One, was the sound of his heartbeat.  When I was in his arms, I would place my head to his chest and just listen.  It was so soothing to me.  I also remember the sound of his breathing.   Again, pressing my head to his chest and just listening.  When he held me I felt protected, loved and “at home”.  An amazing feeling – he gave me such happiness. I remember thinking how lucky I was that at such a young age I had found my true love, the man I would be with for the rest of my life.  I thought I was so lucky to be so young and never have to search for him like other girls would have to.

Then, everything changed.  My life was thrown into the air, and I ended up crying myself to sleep night after night.  He had been pulled out of school and had to move.  It was sudden.  He didn’t know it was coming.  Suddenly, the boy I loved and had planned to marry and spend the rest of my long life with – was gone.

I still remember the feeling of panic when I was told he was taken out of the school and moved away.  I remember going home and laying in bed crying, not wanting to eat or go to school.  I remember the deep pain and wishing it would go away.  It hurt so badly.  I remember the feelings of the young romance.  The love and the pain.  If I am right on the timing, that was the last time I allowed my heart to be open and risk that kind of pain again.

The boy did come back, but not in time.  I had already entered into a different relationship with someone I had known for years.  So his heart was broken on his return.  Neither of us said anything to the other.  We didn’t confess how much we cared about each other or how much pain we were in.  We just built those walls and kept on going.  I went through relationships after that guarded and I guess over the years it built into a very thick protective wall.

Fast forward 30+ years to now.  We’ve found each other again.  We are older and able to speak what we feel and told each other what we felt back when we were young.  I feel like we were cheated out of so many years.  But I have him now, and I am not ever letting go.  He has my heart and I can’t imagine life without him.  My true love.  Amazing.

(… to be continued …)

Life Is Incredible

Brand New Ending

I’m definitely where my spirit led me.  Living in this home, in this area – it’s my own heaven.  I am beyond thankful to the Universe for sending all of this to me.  Or, that I called for it and it was laid out for me.

Note to Self

2013 is an amazing year thusfar.

True Love

I’m in love.

~M

Young Love and Time

Young Love – Powerful

Do you remember yours?

 

I love Miranda – she is one of my most favs.

 

Lyrics
Me and Charlie boy used to go walking
Sittin in the woods behind my house
When bein lovers meant a stolen kiss
And holding hands with nobody else around
Charlie said he wanted to get married
But we were only ten so we’d have to wait
He said we’d never let our love run dry
Like so many do these days

So we treat our love like a firefly
Like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar
With holes in the top
And run like hell to show it off
Oh promises we made when we’d go walkin
That’s just me and Charlie talking

Charlie always said he’d like to leave here
So he turned 18 and left our sleepy town
Letters came and went and I kept waiting
For Charlie to come back
And bring the life he’d found
Funny how time and distance change you
The road you take
Don’t always lead you home
You can start a love with good intentions
And you look up and it’s gone

So we treat our love like a firefly
Like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar
With holes in the top
And run like hell to show it off
Oh promises we made when we’d go walkin
That’s just me and Charlie talking

Now and then I sometimes think of Charlie
How we thought we knew it all back then
Now I’d give anything to feel love
From a child’s heart again

So we treat our love like a firefly
Like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar
With holes in the top
And run like hell to show it off
Oh promises we made when we’d go walkin
That’s just me and Charlie
Me and Charlie talking

Life A.D.D.

Oh boy am I in trouble.  It’s Spring.  Spring is when the wheels on my “cart” spin off and I go in so many different directions that only summer can save my soul.

I have life A.D.D.

I’m in trouble.  My heart strings are getting pulled…. heavy oh so heavily my head is spinning.

I can’t focus.  I don’t want to focus.  I want to run and to jump and to climb.

… focus just focus and breathe …

So, new development – well, the one I can discuss at least OR want to discuss.

I have signed a lease agreement on a new place.  My little bit of heaven in the pines.  I’m moving to Pioneer, CA.  Yes, I know it was Paradise, CA and things change.  It’s Pioneer now.

House 1

House 2

Front Yard

ok, sushi arrived – I shall continue later