How Come It’s So Hard To Write?

The obituary for my father-in-law was approved by the family and just sent to the newspapers.  It’s only a statistical factual summary of him, but that’s how they are I suppose. 

I have to say, writing the obit meant so much to me.  I don’t know why.  He asked me to take care of all of the arrangements.  Me.  And I did… and I felt like I gave something you know?  So his wife didn’t have to do anything.  Down to the obituary….

Why was it so hard to write though?  I was afraid to send it to his sons, afraid I said something wrong afraid I didn’t say enough afraid I said too much… oy.  They approved it without changes… that makes me feel good.

:: sigh ::

When does this stuff get any better?  I keep on crying… I just saw him what feels like yesterday.  I still feel his hand holding mine and his eyes with so much love…

You know what I loved?  One of the things I loved… is how he spoke of his wife.  He would always joke with everyone ya know?  "Grumpy ‘Ole Man" I’d call him, but he stopped and became serious and loving and his wife… he would say the most beautiful things about his wife.  He said Daniel and I would be the same in the years to come… I know we will.  I already call Daniel "Grump", so I’m sure the "’ole man" will come sometime in the future… hee hee.

He told me that me and Daniel were perfect for eachother and he was happy I was the one he married.  He said I was a daughter to him, as with Dawn (Daniel’s ex-wife), and Sidonia (Mark’s girlfriend).  He said the three of us meant more to him then he could say… that we were the ones that he considered daughters.  He said, three sons and three daughters "I’ve got it made".  We had it made. 

He told me that his sons were the world to him, and his wife was what held it all together.  And boy did she.  If I could be half the wife to Daniel that she was to Harold… I’d be happy…

I talked to her a few days before he passed away and she told me that her and Harold were so happy he married me.  It made me cry right away on the phone ya know?  They’ve said it so many times before, but this time… she was very pointedly and purposely making making sure it was heard.

I love them both so much.

So now what… no more preparations or things to keep us busy.  The boys have one final event they get to do alone, then… we are left with our thoughts.

… memories and thoughts …

I would just like to say:  Cancer sucks.

But it’s awesome to know I’ll see him again ~ as the beautiful spirit he is.  Someday, when I’m done here.

Thanks for listening, writing sure does help get it out.  Well, get it out and deal with it you know?

~Mon~

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