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Sometimes we live through a day and completely forget what happened, what we did, what we accomplished. Sometimes we are living with our eyes wide shut. When you live in the moment – we see it all. Maybe if we write it down… we’ll remember the small things that are the cells in our spirit’s body. Just live and enjoy it!
I’ve been through alot in the last year and a half. All of it is a learning experience for me. It’s beautiful and I love it. For awhile I felt completely disconnected to myself – my spirit. Today I can say I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel anger, I don’t feel embarassment – it’s all simply gone and was a lesson plan that I’ve completed and passed. I feel I deserve an A+ teacher! When there is a balance with spririt and physical self – the result, for me, is a feeling of flying. Like I can run forever, laugh forever and fly as high as I wish. I feel wonderful, excited and so joyful. Friends and family have been around to hear all of the drama… gossip is very damaging. I have found those friends I can trust with my innermost thoughts and dreams and fears. They are the ones that are without judgement and simply love me and support me. I’ve learned who I can trust and who stands in judgement. I have finally started to connect with my spirit. It’s been so long… but it feels so good. I wish I could expain with words how I truly feel, but the language is too restricting. The seizures where because of a huge unbalance – my body simply couldn’t take the pain, depression, stress and anger. It’s over now – and I can live my life and love those around me. The seizures have stopped – and I can finally move forward. I finally can begin to learn about me – Monica – the one who’s always been there for me. Let it Begin and Bring It!
Me… In 1985 Most pics during that time have me covering my face. Not sure why.
So, I just posted a post saying good morning Monday… um, it’s Tuesday. OH that should tell you how things are going…. ha! So here’s another post with my daughter and my grandson from his first 49er game!
Okay, Monday morning so far so good. I got my coffee going – first cup almost done. Whoot! Working on me has been a smidge slow lately as there’s been so much *other* stuff happening. I’ll get back to me ASAP. Stephen is having his surgery on the 3rd. It’s gonna be a rough one, but I know he’ll be fine. I’m so glad he’s getting this done… it’s been tough for him for awhile. He’s wanted to go into the Military, but without this surgery – that’s a no go. I got the eliptical moved from the Garage to the front room, so yay! I can get some workout going. I’ve lost alot of weight, maybe 30lbs or so – but WOW I’m flabby. Ha! Sokay, working out will also assist with the energy issue I’m having. Sleep sleep sleep – I feel like I’m lost to it sometimes. I had a seizure last night at the restaurant we went to. I felt so bad. My seizures aren’t the full body jerk kind, but they do make folks feel unconformtable. For me, I just kinda go *out* like a light bulb and twich a little. But I did feel bad. Oh well, it is as it is. I’m hoping to get back to my Ancestry stuff – but the brain needs just a bit more time. I love this kid sooo much! Aidan went to his first 49er game today! He was all decked out and ready to go.
There is a “channel” on YouTube that has stories of “homeless” people. It brings their faces out of the shadows and their stories to your heart. Please check it out, just one or subscribe. The person that is doing this was homeless I believe, and just wanted the stories to be known. Well Done. Sometimes ya just gotta snack. Chips and salsa it is! Are you excited for me? I am… I hope everyone has an awesome week! Oh no, don’t tell my mom but I totally want a tattoo!! Ha! Oh goodness…. in this dream I keep having I have these markings on me. They are really neat! Okay, I want a tattoo! Yay! So, what should I get huh? Somewhere down the road, I took a turn that was unexpected. The path is different, but easy to follow. It’s nice, with pretty fake bushes lining the path. People are just cardboard cut outs on the side. Always smiling… how annoying Along the path are escape routes. Well hidden, but they are there. It just seems there is too much effort to get through. I can smell the moss from the trees, but the trees aren’t anywhere I can see them. I get to find another way. I’m losing myself. Oh complain complain complain. Let’s see….
I get asked this question by folks that care about me and are concerned. I appreciate each time someone asks – but the answer chokes me. I don’t know how I am. I truly don’t know. A side effect of any anti-seizure medication is depression. Add the side effect to the following:
So – if a friend was to tell me all of this, I’d say there was a problem. But since it’s me, I just don’t feel like caring. In fact, there’s not much feeling at all. I’ll bring it up at the next doctor visit. So – “How Are You?” I DON’T KNOW I’m tired; I’m sad; I’m scared; I’m confused; I forget my name; I miss my kids; I miss my life!! I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m scared. I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared. But those that ask – do they really want to know? I think most times folks want to hear “I’m fine”. That way they can go on with what they originally called for or emailed about. What do you do for someone who isn’t okay? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve been posting on here, but privately. I seem to be having an issue connecting myself to my physical self. I’m not trying to talk in riddles. Just flow with me for a moment. I’ve been asleep for what feels like a lifetime. My dreams are extremely vivid and they continue when I lay down and sleep. It feels like a whole other life. I’m 15 years old, I have 8 older brothers, I live in an area where the forest is lush and misty. My name is Zyriana. I know – you are thinking call the doctor. I’ll let her know I suppose. But any more medication and I’m going to lose touch completely. So – in an effort to get myself back into balance I’ve been looking at the issues. One is I can’t stay awake. Two is I don’t want to stay awake. Three – I despise looking at myself. In a mirror, in a camera lens – period. I feel like I’m broken. The seizures are still coming – and each one pulls me deeper into “somewhere else”. It’s truly disconcerting. It’s hard to keep track of where I am. I had a reaction to one of the medications. Scared the heck out of me. It was so hard to breathe, my throat felt tight – but I could breathe. I had a rash pretty bad – they had me stop that medication immediately. That’s too bad because it felt like the seizures were getting lighter. So – last night I decided to color my hair. What does this have to do with what I’m going through you ask? Well… if I don’t like how I look, or rather “despise” how I look – then perhaps it’s time to simply get to know me again. I’m 42 and not that bad looking ya know. I liked what I saw. It made me happy. But you can tell the progression pretty well. I’ll let the photos tell the story of what I saw in the mirror today:
I don’t know if you’ve heard about a show called “Who Do You Think You Are?” but it’s a great show. It showcases celebrities and their search for their roots, and professional Genealogists assist them. The first episode I watched (it is a full episode online > http://www.hulu.com/who-do-you-think-you-are) was Lisa Kudrow. If you are gonna watch that one, bring a box of tissues. It was a beautiful episode. I’m a bit stuck right now, but there are a few folks that take the time to assist. One in particular is a completely wonderful lady who does do this research for folks for a nominal (seriously) fee. I think she should charge more. Heh! I’m uploading a jpg image of her flyer. She’s truly wonderful and a great person to assist with advice etc. I think she said her tree is currently 40,000 folks? I could be wrong on that, she can correct me. Here’s her flyer! Please feel free to contact her directly for any questions. I would trust her – I already do.
She’s kept me going on my line for sure! No – I’m not getting paid for this Happy Tree Hunting! … I’m off to find more sources! … I have census overload…. Love and Light, Monica Okay, ya’ll know about the seizures thing. No news there. Except it’s hard to talk and to understand language right now. Funny thing is, I can type and read. LOL So here I am, typing and reading. I’ve been working the old brain out by going back to my family tree investigations. I had a HUGE break on my dad’s side. Initially I knew -0- other than my dad’s name. I met him only a few times, but he didn’t seem to like us much. Oh well. Tough issue was I didn’t know a thing about that side. I got a BREAK when I joined Ancestry.com. They have a ton of Census records, Military records, birth and death records, not to mention other wonderful folks that have their family trees public so you can share info! Bless their hearts! Whoot! So – I now have in my NICHOLS family tree the following:
Okay, way too fun! Oh and I found out I’m President Barack Obama’s 5th cousin 1x removed. Ha! Go figure! Funny Funny Think he’ll have a cousin over for dinner?? Hee hee. I may not have voted for him, but since he’s family – I can at least know where his craziness came from! I mean that in jest. Nichols line is a little crazy ya know. The stories I’ve read are funny! Oh, and some not so funny. But – it’s all family! So – I can tell when I have a good or bad day. Good day is I can connect the folks in the tree and understand it all. Bad day, like yesterday – I couldn’t connect any of them in my head. Sokay. I’m currently investigating my step-son’s full tree and it’s hard as nails to do. My husband knows squat about his grandparents and my step-son’s momma doesn’t know much about her side. I’m gonna create another page on here for my tree and family info for others in case they are researching as well. Surnames: Alberson; Avellar; Belfield; Bendsen; Black; Bowdoin; Bowles; Chambers; Christianson; Condor; Conrad; Cook; Correa; Correia; Crawford; Dobson; Douglas; Dunham; Dyer; Ehrreich; English; Ferreira; Flynt; Ford; Fraga; Gebauer; Gomes; Harm; Harrison; Herndon; Humphrey; Humphreys; Jacko; Johansdotter; Johnson; Kelley; King; Kliegel; Knutson; Kowalski; Kunstler; Lehman; Levetta; Lind; Lindsey; Lnu; Mancebo; Mann; Martin; McCune; McCurry; McLeod; Montgomery; Morgan; Nicholas; Nicholls; NICHOLS; Nicolau; Obama; Olson; Owen; Parson; Payne; Pengelly; Peregrino; Perkins; Peterson; Pfeiffer; Reis; Remaldo; Richardson; Riddle; Robinson; Rodriquez; Romine; Rosler; Rugh; Schickling; Schmitt; Serpa; Shader; Sharp; Shortt; Simpson; Smith; Soetoro; Stager; Stahl; Stewart; Strickler; Tallefson; Taylor; Teixeira; Thomas; Thompson; Thovsdatter; Tollefson; Vieira; Vizcaino; Wada; Walker; Wallace; Wealth; Whittaker; Wible; Wolfe; Wood; Youngman; Zimmerman Those in bold are the main areas I’m working on now. So – remember your ancestors, even if the family doesn’t talk – they are part of your history. Have a great day! Oh – and here is a photo of my Maternal Great Grandparents m. 05 Jul 1911 John W. Stahl and Agathe M Knutson.  John W Stahl and Marie Knutson Wedding Photo
Interesting. You Tube is amazing. This is an older video, but she’s right on. This is exactly what I feel. I thought I’d keep this one. She’s totally cute! Day two of videos on this subject… enjoy. I went in on Wednesday to emergency for my 3rd seizure in less than a week. I was told I would get a call from the neurologist for an appointment. Nothing as of today. Mind you I don’t trust doctors when it comes to my seizures. Mainly because they always seem to be guessing, but that’s besides the point. I have had almost 6 months of messing up at work because I couldn’t remember anything. Okay, I remembered to write things down and work from there but other than that – no good. So all this time I’ve had a screw loose and now I’m asking for help. So far – nothing from the esteemed Neurologist. The doctor I have as a general practitioner is wonderful and I think he’s awesome. But the specialist and I didn’t see eye to eye. That’s a nice way of putting it. I’d ask her questions and she would answer quickly with what seemed like nominal thought. Treated me like I knew nothing. Guess what Doc -I have the seizures, I do know a little something. Medicine that makes me slur my speech even worse than usual. Meds that slow down my brain function. Meds that make me so tired I can’t get out of my husband’s car to go to work. This is the solution? I don’t think so. So what now. I’m in limbo. I’m angry about having to go see a doctor that hands out medication like candy. I refuse to be shuffled into a life where you aren’t sure if you are awake or sleeping. If I have to change my life it will need to be for the better. Someone please tell me our medical practitioners care. They care right? I want to live a happy productive life. My brain just works differently. That’s all. It wasn’t that long ago that people like me were put in mental institutions for life. No possibility of parole. We’ve gotten to a point where those like me aren’t institutionalized in buildings… Just now it’s by being drugged to oblivion.
My employer has to pick up the pieces and I hate that. I feel like the world’s worst employee right now. How can they ever trust me again? It’s not like I purposely didn’t do my work – but that doesn’t matter. I feel like a failure and there is no one to blame but myself. I wish I would have known what was happening. I just thought I had too much work. That’s not the case – I couldn’t keep the tasks I had straight. I took so many notes, but not enough. All I want is for the clients to be okay and my co-worker’s to know I didn’t do this on purpose. My brain just went on hiatus. How am I going to ever do my job again? Nope – not my week. I see the little button “Upgrade” and I hit it. Then, waaaalaaaaa – my flipping website is all quirky. damn damn damn argh! Okay, back to the drawing board. My little brain isn’t pumping out enough HP for this! er, horse power |
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But – to be honest, I’ve felt very yucky. So today I took out the camera – put on some mascara and gloss and just started snapping pictures. The first few were horrific. I look so old so sad. But as I got going with the camera as my friend – I started having some fun. Yes, me giggling with myself. Hey, it happens.
I told my son I’d work on it, so I’ll find them… I hope.
My mood is horrific. I’ve been calling into work to make sure they are okay. And, they are ofcourse. But there are so many things I didn’t do that I was supposed to. The clients I so care about are the ones I’ve failed. The horrific thing is, I didn’t know! I truly didn’t know! How could someone go about their day and not realize they are forgetting things. I just don’t understand.
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